& I've realized that I've pulled myself farther and farther from my friends. I understand. I realize what's going on. The thing is, I realize it, but I'm hopeless to control it. Maybe subconsciously I know it's for the best. Pull away before you get hurt, right? That's what I've always done. But part of me thinks that maybe this time I shouldn't that I need them, and I hate it. I hate depending on people. I hate giving people the power to hurt me. Maybe that's why I always say I don't care in relationships. Maybe that's why I don't care. I don't let myself care. I can't remember when this all happened, but it's been a while. The few times I've let myself care and allow myself to depend on people, it's screwed me over. Still, I hate feeling disconnected from my friends, even if I do it to myself. Sorry if this was pointless and went in a bunch of different directions, it's just how my mind is working right now.