i quit witty but i have nothing else to vent to cuz my diary's full.
oh & don't read cuz it's not interesting.
gfhjskg i don't know what to do anymore.
my only friends are a year older than me.
&i think they even secretly hate me too.
the friends i have in my grade are amazing.
they're funny and nice and they're the best friends ever.
but none of them care about me.
they care but they don't like me.
they're constantly annoyed with me. they don't trust me.
they think i'm obnoxious and rude and annoying
and they think i put other people first.
when i don't.
i love them but they don't love me so i don't
even try to get them to care. i dont wanna bother them.
i constantly feel alone.
i know that a lot of my grade doesn't like me.
because of stupid rumors that people told them.
i didn't do anything bad.
i told my best friend (at the time) something because it was
about her crush... i thought she'd care.
and now one person hates me which led to another
which led to another which led to another.
all my friends are friends with people who hate me.
i know it's their choice of who they're friends with,
it just makes me feel alone &awkward.
i can't wait until summer so i don't have to deal
with feeling sad and alone every day.
i'm loud and annoying at school and i don't mean to be.
it's who i am and i wanna change but it's not that easy.
the only thing i'm happy about is nobody's seen my wrists.
i feel pressured in my relationship and i can't
even talk to my friends about it because they'll probably
think i talk about my relationship too much.
i have nobody because of that.
my friends are so good at pretending to like people.
i witness it every day, them talking to people they don't
really like, pretending to like them.
what should make me believe they're not doing that to me?
i love them so much.
so so so much.
they might like me i guess..
but i don't think they want me around ever.
or trust me.
nobody texts me first.
nobody tells me anything.
nobody's done anything to prove it.
except one girl who i love with all my heart.
two actually.
but they're not in my grade.
and they're probably better off without me too.
i hate myself. i hate everything i've done.
i regret so much.
i don't want to sound like i'm suicidal or anything.
i'm not, i'd never kill myself.
but if i were to wake up in the hospital
and hear a doctor say, "she's not gonna make it"
.. i don't think i'd care. (&nobody else would either.)