i miss my confidence as a little girl.
i miss being able to be myself around the boys i had crushes on without fear. i miss being able to openly admit that i liked them. then along came the anxiety and the rude, gross boys who weren't worth it. those two problems mixed together were the perfect concoction of triggers that ruined my self esteem.
i hate hearing my heart beat through my chest when i'm around that special boy because i pray so badly not to fnck up, i hate not being my friendly self and acting aggressive and standoffish so they don't get the idea that i like them. i hate not being able to make eye contact, to ask them simple questions, to feel my stomach churn like crazy when i merely hear them mention another girl's name, i hate when my friends try to help me out by asking him how he feels about me and literally feeling like vomiting because i was deceived into thinking the answer was always going to be bad, all because my anxiety overpowered me and tried to let my past become my future.
i hate crying pools of tears when i find out they don't feel the same and producing pools of sweat the next day when i have to see them and avoid eye contact with them and pretend my whole body isn't weak and shaky and my soul hasn't rotted and he's looking at me differently because he knows about my feelings and i'm left embarrassed, degraded, vulnerable and belittled, all because i admired someone, all because he had pretty eyes or because he was funny or because he was really good at baseball and i didn't measure up to his standards and due to the voices at school i thought i was the ugliest thing in the world and i'd never have a boy want me.
i hate continuing to feel so insecure when i find out a boy does like me and feeling like it's all a sick joke and once he sees the real side of me he'll leave due to several past experiences that left me aching for months, even years. i hate having that feeling in my stomach when they text back too late or give one word responses or i see him with another girl, feeling like i have no control, there's never a good side because i'm either overthinking and making them feel bad for me or they're making me feel bad and i'm being overdramatic, all because i was told so many times that i was ugly, that i wasn't worth it, that i'd never find a boy who i liked and liked me too.
but i have to overcome, because my faith is my fortune. if i keep focusing on my past i'll get more of it. i have to put myself out there and not be afraid, and remind myself that if things don't work out it isn't my fault. i am still strong, smart and beautiful no matter what that boy thinks, and as a bonus, i am brave for going against traditional gender roles and going after what i want instead of just waiting around for it. it won't be easy and some of these scars will never fade, but i'll always be growing.
gab*