I never realized how much I hate everything until now. I don't understand why I'm so bitter. No actually I do. I think I oughta explain myself first before I let people agree with the fact that I'm a bad person. When I wake up, I look in the mirror and sigh. I put on some weight and running everyday isn't helping it out much. I go to the bathroom and weigh myself and I feel even worse. I brush my teeth and I see how crooked my bottom teeth are, since I lost my retainers a few weeks ago. Then I decide to not eat breakfast because I'm running late anyways. It's cold outside and maybe even raining if I'm lucky enough, and my bus driver comes late. Then when I get to school I go to my friend's locker to talk with our friend group. Except it's not really a friend group, we all secretly hate each other. I can't even stand how some of my "friends" even talk anymore, the bullsh/t spilling out almost nauseates me. So I go to my classes and by the end of the day, I'm happy because it's finally Friday. I tell my dad I'm going to hang out with friends tonight, and he tells me that I'll never become a doctor because I'm not dedicated enough to school and studying. As I'm getting ready, my mom asks me if I can help her with her 2 hour long test in 20 minutes. It makes me mad because she always tells me last minute and it's always on a Friday. Not to mention all the stupid time I wasted fixing her stupid papers over the course of the week, she doesn't think I have anything to do. So I tell her now because I made plans to volunteer, and she tells me that I'm a horrible daughter. And she asks me what kind of daughter wouldn't even help her mother? Then she assumes I don't love her. No mom I really do I just made plans. Same thing with my pregnant sister. Her husband acts like a child and is never home. So she expects me to spend all of my time with her. And I try my best to help her out, I really do. But I'm not her husband. I'm not my nieces' father. I can't fill that gap completely when I'm home alone with my sister and the kids. I can't even ask her for advice anymore. She's all over the place and she has two young kids and she's pregnant again and she just doesn't have the time to listen to my venting. And it's ok, I got used to it. So anyway, I tell her that I'm with friends and she asks me if I'm avoiding her. And she asks me if I still love her. I mean of course I do, how could I not? My family assumes I'm underachieving as a way to show my hatred for them. I didn't even realize I was underachieving. I thought I was doing well. But they don't fail to remind me everyday that I'm not. That I'm fat and I'm stupid and I'm lazy and that I'll never do anything successful in life. And now I can't even talk to my friends, right? Turns out one of my closest guy friends is so two faced. I can't tell him anymore. A few more friends just don't care about what I have to say. I have only one friend here in this god damn city that I can trust and love with all of my heart. Everyone else I just can't stand. They all act like they're better than me or they pretend that they're there for me and then disappear that moment. I don't know what I do with myself. I wish I didn't need anyone. I really do. But it's so hard to feel pure happiness when you don't feel support from the ones that you care for most. So I'm bitter, I feel like I just hate everyone. I have no respect for so many people. I talk sh/t about them the same way they talk about me. That's just the routine I'm accustomed to. I honestly just want to go silent for months. I want to disappear and run away. Because I'm pretending like I'm happy. And even I think I'm happy. But then I realize that the people I hang out with on the weekends most likely didn't even enjoy my company. I mean, how would you feel when you feel like that after every social happening? I'm not blaming this on anyone. I'm just so unhappy with myself because I open up to people way too quickly and I'm fat and I have no confidence. So I start off my day feeling ashamed. I really want to change and stop hurting people, despite the fact they hurt me so much also. I don't need friends, but hey, it'd be nice to know that people care. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that I'm so rude to people and that I'm so bitter. I just don't want to care about what others think, but my god I actually want to go to my high school reunion and see my friends. I've been so happy about the idea of escaping, I act like I already have. I want to love everything like I used to. I want to have huge sleepovers with all of my close friends again. I want my family to be proud of me. When I leave, I don't want to leave a bad taste in people's mouth, a bad memory they don't want to remember. I thought I got better, I thought I was happier. But then I realized, it isn't often that my friends even call me, let alone ask me to hang out first. I don't want to be this huge burden upon people, but god d/mn I feel like it's too late to change myself enough to change the life around me. What makes me most bitter is that I alway have to find ways to change myself. Because obviously, the person I am now isn't doing the world a favor. Nor was the person I was before. And before that.
Andjela *
witty_girlx