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Member Since: 27 Sep 2010 01:38pm

Last Seen: 11 Oct 2020 08:44am

user id: 126598

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  1. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 11, 2020 8:44am UTC
    Een vreemd boeket staat in mijn leefkamer.
    De donkerpaarse zwerm verwerkt niet.
    Dus ik verwijder het niet
    Al is de eetkamer gevuld met vliegen
    Op zoek naar zoete vruchten
    Die hier niet te vinden zijn
    Al is de slaapkamer gevuld met scherven
    Van kopjes die wij wanhopig
    Niet proberen te breken
    Maar we ruimen wel op
    En de bloemen staan ze zo mooi
    Ook al hebben ze geen geur.

  2. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 4, 2017 12:12pm UTC
    My heart’s aflutter!
    I am standing in the bath tub
    crying. Mother, mother
    who am I? If he
    will just come back once
    and kiss me on the face
    his coarse hair brush
    my temple, it’s throbbing!
    then I can put on my clothes
    I guess, and walk the streets.
    Now I am quietly waiting for
    the catastrophe of my personality
    to seem beautiful again,
    and interesting, and modern.
    The country is grey and
    brown and white in trees,
    snows and skies of laughter
    always diminishing, less funny
    not just darker, not just grey.
    It may be the coldest day of
    the year, what does he think of
    that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,
    perhaps I am myself again.

  3. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    July 17, 2017 6:15am UTC
    click to see this quote

  4. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    May 1, 2017 9:37am UTC
    so lately
    bridges have been calling me
    calling to be built
    calling to be burnt
    calling to be jumped from
    I have only build them
    don't have the heart to burn them
    can only burn myself
    afraid of putting myself out
    at the bottom of the river
    should be proud of those
    engeniering skills and selective hearing
    but birthdays are not parties for me
    so much to celibrate
    nothing makes me sing
    I'm sitting on the bridges
    feel the bottom of the river
    calling my flames
    my feet feel supported
    by the strong cool steel

  5. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    April 17, 2017 11:06am UTC
    The man on TV says, This is the big one, folks. The man
    says, Call your mother and say
    goodbye. To save themselves, thousands of people jump
    to the bottom of a river and turn
    into fish. Fish survive devastation. Fish don’t worry about
    whether they’re loved. What does
    it mean to “end” anyway? To be a person and then a body.
    To be a city and then a ruin. Maybe
    someone should give this world the Heimlich. Maybe it’ll
    cough up all the good people it
    swallowed and choked on too soon. I think the birds are
    in mourning. I think the trees feel
    sorry for us. Too bad about all that skin covering all those
    little bones. Too bad about that noise
    emanating from the heart, untranslatable and strange. How
    does the song go? Something about
    feeling fine. I put a note in your pocket that said: CALL
    You never got there.

  6. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    November 27, 2016 8:04am UTC
    Some days I am more
    low shoulers than strong back
    am more deep sigh than fierce words
    am sad
    am world inside me crumbeling
    instead of florishing
    or coliding
    and today might be such a day
    of slow of blue
    of getting trough with
    snow and tea
    snuggle sweaters
    steam, blush on cheeks
    a smile that could mean nothing
    or everything
    of getting trough

  7. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    November 1, 2016 6:26am UTC
    I was fourteen when I had a vision
    of my dieing by my own hand
    not that day, not the next one
    but soon because in the vision
    I was still a little girl
    I wept for my death
    bought flowers, bought a black dress
    prayed till my knees were red
    to absolve my sins before I went
    and then I didn't
    not that year, not the next one
    not before my eighteen and
    not the years after
    but the fear did not leave
    there is still time and
    n the mirror I still see
    a little girl

  8. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 30, 2016 9:47am UTC
    I am so tired of waiting.
    Aren’t you,
    For the world to become good
    And beautiful and kind?
    Let us take a knife
    And cut the world in two —
    And see what worms are eating
    At the rind.

  9. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 24, 2016 6:38pm UTC
    everything happens for a reason
    but somethings just turn out
    bad, wrong, rotten
    you might be excited
    to enter a new world or way or
    walk of life now you met me
    however you call this
    venture in my head
    but I am still a scared little girl
    I'm still tossing and turning in my head
    questioning my creator and self
    scared if I will scar myself again
    this time in my new self destruction
    but it's new right?
    and it's fun

  10. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 23, 2016 1:26pm UTC
    On some nights
    I write because eventhough it is quite imbarrasing
    it's not as imbarrasing as contemplating suicide
    and the humiliation when someone spots me and sighs
    not this again
    so I write because
    yes this again
    this feeling of needing to put the pain inside
    taking out the trash wherther it is
    cutting wrists, writing anything, jumping bridges, blowing bubbles, reading poetry, crying buckets, talking about (it), healing from (it), remembering (anything)
    as long as it keeps this stinking mess outside
    only for tonight
    I need to put the mess outside for tonight
    because I want to sleep
    I want to sleep because I can't sleep
    because my body want to keep hurting itself
    while it wants to heal itself
    this is the human condition
    this is my duality

  11. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 8, 2016 12:03pm UTC
    In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester
    Treat me like a God, or they treat me like a leper
    You see me move back and forth between both
    I'm trying to find a balance

  12. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 8, 2016 8:10am UTC
    click to see this quote

  13. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 8, 2016 7:40am UTC
    I am sad
    I feel that the future is hopeless and that things cannot improve
    I am bored and dissatisfied with everything
    I am a complete failure as a person
    I am guilty,
    I am being punished
    I would like to kill myself
    I used to be able to cry but now I am beyond tears
    I have lost interest in other people
    I can't make decisions
    I can't eat
    I can't sleep
    I can't think
    I cannot overcome my loneliness, my fear, my disgust
    I am fat I cannot write
    I cannot love
    My brother is dying, my lover is dying, I am killing them both
    I am charging towards my death
    I am terrified of medication
    I cannot make love
    I cannot be alone
    I cannot be with others

  14. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    October 8, 2016 7:27am UTC
    You have a lot of friends.
    What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
    (A long silence.)
    What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
    (A long silence.)
    What do you offer?

  15. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 15, 2016 8:14am UTC
    I need to confort my own weakness
    some days I'm the weakest,
    and others the strongest
    these days are the longest
    and I've got the weirdest feeling about this

  16. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 2, 2016 6:00pm UTC
    To be honest all the love I give
    is only about me
    you are just the temporary home
    I stall all my love, overload and overwhelm you
    but don't worry it will find a new place soon
    you can keep some
    but it's only just enough to make you keep comming back
    keep wanting that rush, you're not gonna get
    I do not love you because you're pretty
    or smart or sencitive or sweet
    I love you because you are there
    because you are imperfect
    because you are something I can leave
    I was never good with becomming one
    with a body of any kind so I can leave
    so I can complain, so I can pretend
    like I'm anything but a nomad
    I can't carry all this love
    so I hand it out
    but don't give it to yu
    it's all still mine
    to take away with me

  17. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 2, 2016 4:13pm UTC
    it hapened when I was young
    still developing as they call it
    so it's easy to take it as blame
    to take my trauma and name it
    my creator, my genisis
    because it has made me the strong woman I am
    today, right? made me survivor.
    made me miserable to be honest
    made me crazy. Made me say no
    to drinks and parties and men
    made me mad, made me vengeful
    made me the match to the gasoline
    the lade in the river, overflowing
    too much rain
    mostly it made me scared
    of dark and men and myself
    of power, of currency, of expectations
    broke me, really broke me
    and made me stand up without feet
    made me walk and run without feet
    made fun of me as I fell without feet
    until I walked, and then grew feet
    then made me strong. Made me survivor
    made me example of survivor
    good survivor
    I would have walked
    if I never lost my feet
    I would have been strong regardless
    there is no creator but myself
    I had to learn again
    to lose the mad and gain compassion
    to become the flower instead of the dager
    the smile instead of the punch
    but I got there regardless

  18. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 2, 2016 6:32am UTC
    click to see this quote

  19. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    September 2, 2016 6:25am UTC
    What do you do when your entire healing process
    feels like the beginning of a murder ballad?
    I realized that what he had done was not right
    in the middle of the night in some faraway June.
    I somehow fell asleep after that. Woke up
    the next morning, the floor below me
    trembling, a kitchen knife in my hand
    for a split second. There isn’t a way
    for me to be honest and tell you
    I haven’t ever wanted revenge
    at the same time. I do remember his full name,
    but I do not say it out loud. I scrubbed
    any evidence of him out of me,
    and now I reek of Good Survivor.
    I am not supposed to fantasize
    about dropping a lit match in his jeans.
    I am not supposed to have imagined
    my fist lodged in his Adam’s Apple.
    So what does that make me? On his level?

    Too angry? A girl in a song only preparing herself
    to be left in the water? But I don’t think
    I’m as hungry as I’m making myself out to be.
    The truth is: if I ever saw him on the street,
    I would cross to the other side and hide myself
    in the nearest shop. That doesn’t mean
    I still haven’t woken up every morning
    thinking God has left a weapon in my hand
    in hopes of the river inside of me
    finally flooding.

  20. justkiddiing justkiddiing
    posted a quote
    August 22, 2016 6:33am UTC
    it's been six weeks since I last saw you
    but this week you'll be with me
    for a very short time
    only to leave me again
    and I tried to get over this feeling
    of needing you while you don't
    need me
    I text my ex boyfriend and cancel the date
    last minute
    accepting that at least for now
    my heart is stuck with you
    so I google "how to be so good in bed
    so he won't leave"
    I get tips on how to give head
    not how to get in his head
    it will always be like this
    because my brain is a nomad
    but my heart settled while you
    are not that into me
    so I'll play the part
    of being available always
    and smiling for the scraps you give
    until your or my heart
    decide to change


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