If you follow me on twitter then you know that I’ve been depressed these past couple of months. Only my family, some of my close friends, and my girlfriend know the reason why I’ve been sad. When I was little my mom got pregnant and I was excited to be a big brother. I was very suportive during her pregnancy and I couldn’t wait to hold her. Well a couple of months later my mom went into labor and that day I found out my little sister Liannela had heart problems and the doctors didn’t know if she would live. When I went to go see her she had a lot of tubes in her and I wasn’t sure why. When I went to go touch her hand the nurses said I couldn’t hold her or put pressure on her. My dreams of holding my little sister was crushed. She lived a week and I barely even remember what she looks like anymore. I cant remember that day I found she died. Then in 8th grade I found out my mom was pregnant again. And it was a girl. Leanna. Finally I was going to be a big brother and have someone to care for, love, and that would need my help. Later on in the pregnancy I found out the she would be mentally handicapped. But I didn’t care if she was mentally hanicapped or had one leg. I would love her and treat her exactly the same. Well 6 months later she was born early and I wasn’t informed until later on that day. This day I wont ever forget. I remember what game I was playing, who picked me up, where I sat in the car, my emotions when thay told me, and exactly what the outside and inside of the hostpital looked like. When I walked into the room all my mom did was stare at me. I wont ever forget her face when she saw me. She had an expressionless look on her. And I remember the moment they bought my dead sister into ther room so we can see her. My sister held her, my other sister held her, and so did my mom. But when it came to my turn to hold her and I had the decision to hold her or just look at her I made the worst decision possible. I just looked her and cried. I just started. She was so beautiful. She had a little pink hat on because the back of her skull never fully closed and cute little pink baby clothes on. That decision has haunted my for years and now is when I truly regret it. Now I'm 16 turning 17 in a month and now is when I'm regreting my decisions. Why couldn’t I be there for her when I had the chance? Why wasn’t I an actually brither when I needed to? Why.
Fuck_Sober