I was so mad today. I went to the backyard and teared up for a bit. It was so embarrassing. I didn't realise but I kept picking away at my skin, when I was done a small patch had turned blood red. I only realised when dad asked if I fells on rocks. I didn't notice I did that to myself, I was so distracted that I hurt myself. My knee is throbbing. It's so scary. Never again. This is a form of self sabotage I won't fall victim to and make a habit out of. I was on autopilot. I'm scared of myself atm. It's not a good feeling. My knee hurts and it was unconsciously intentional.
What if I told you that I have a gypsy soul? That staying in one place gives me itchy feet? That I want to see what the world has to offer? Would you think that I was leaving because of you? Because it’s not. I want you to come too. I want you to be my partner in crime. I want you to see the world with me. I want you to be my travel companion.
I like it when you're the little spoon, it's the best feeling, your back pressed against my chest. Why are your feet so cold? Go into the fetal position, hold your knees close to your chest. Let me warm them up, give your feet a little rub and kiss the back of your neck. I like when you're the little spoon, I like taking care of you. You stretch out wide for a little bit, you could easily take up this whole bed. Usually you'd end it at good night now, but you turn to me instead. It's dark but your eyes are glistening, crinkling by the sides. "Thank you" has become our new "I love you". I kiss your lips goodnight. "No. Thank you."
~ On this dark and stormy night as she sat watching the rain.. contemplating if she should try again.. but she didn't know if she could take that kinda pain... everyone says she better off but what did she really gain? ~
I have so many friends. So many best friends too. When I was younger, I would have been so happy. I was so lonely. But even with all these people around me...I'm still lonely. And not in the poetic "I'm so lonesome" sort of way. In the "I hate feeling like I have no one to talk to when I'm surrounded by people" sort of way. The type of lonely, where everyone has known you for so long. They have these expectations. I can't let them see these sides of me. It's stupid of me to withhold their standards. But it's hard to hear the "you've changed" monologue. Because I haven't. I've just never trusted this aspect of myself over to them. And it's not some rare Jewel that everyone's dying to see, it's just messy. Having your own internal issues isn't something I want to share, but I know I need to. So I'll make new friends. I pray they can see through me.
Title: I'm Not Black. . . When people see me they see black. When people meet me They hear white. What's up with that? I'll tell you what: The color of my skin The pigment in my tone The melanin I'm in Is black. The way I talk The way I act The way I walk And my character someone how Is white. People say, People have the nerve to say to my face "you're not black." And what do I say back? I laugh and say, "you're right, I'm white Because I speak clearly, don't act hood and ain't out here callin' people my n*ggas." But what does that matter? Why is black an adjective of my lack of character? Why is white a adjective of my total character? It's freckin’ annoying. It's ignorant. And I'm more than that.
I have one good friend that I love and care about. When I see her I feel my mood get 100 times better. She smiles at me I smile at her. Our conversations are light hearted in person, we delve a bit deeper in our text messages. I'm glad to have her. I'm glad she could show me what it means to have a true, wholesome friend. I have these other people I hang out with. My mood when I'm with them isn't the best. I can't help but feel like they don't respect me. Like I'm an easy target, or pushover. I know I just need to be firm once and for all, but I don't want to go that far. Because being firm in their books would have to be something as clear as a loud shout. More than just "Stop it, you're being too much." But something short of a meltdown. And I don't want to go that far. I've been distancing myself. Slowly easing myself out of our decade of "friendship". They're not the same anymore, I want to speed this process up, but I also want it to happen naturally. Why is this so hard.
I know What it's like to lose somebody you love And I know what it's like to lose yourself to the drugs And I know what it's like to have to let go of someone 'Cause they hurt you so bad that you're not the person you was
words are just air that flies into the wind, noticed once and never remembered again. So if you want to keep me, do not blow your loving air into my ear, instead use motions that cut through the wind, and prove that they are puzzle pieces that fit into one another. Eminem - Space Bound