i'm scared of everything i have worked for amounting to nothing. in one cold sweep, a wind could take it all. i keep my head down. gravel beneath my knees keeping my senses on high alert. the fear of it all being for nothing, i bury it for a while. i will meet it at a dead end street. when i turn this back on myself and fall to my knees again. i will face this thought more frequently until it is tame. until the pulse beneath my fingers has settled.
we both begged for understanding, so why can't we follow through? I wonder if this uneasy feeling lingers with you also. When we're retracing fond memories and holding each other. When our breathing is timed and our words kinder, I wonder if you feel this nervousness too.
If i say it simply. If i set the tone right, so that you are not caught off guard. If i could stand in front of you and have you listen to each word. "I, these days. I am tired." Would these plain words be enough? Simple yet vague still. Can you see me through for once? For once can you see through me?
Perhaps i was hurt because without knowing it, i had started to lean on you. at some point you were a comfort to me. a ghost of a person i could unload some of my burdens to. why did you have to make yourself so unlikeable? the invisible wall i leaned on vanished. now my heart is troubled, knees are scraped. in my eyes you're the enemy for hurting me. my mind protects me and makes you the enemy. the pain that swirls in every cell of my body. your name that must have offered comfort at some time. but now my heart sinks, eyes sting and mind becomes blank. i blame myself for not being enough for myself. i blame myself for not being able to depend on only myself. without knowing, i would lean on you. still when i see you...sometimes i feel a slight change. a small burden is lifted. i blame myself for these complex feelings. with family it's always complex feelings. sharing parents who favour you, but burden us both the same. i hated you but needed you and for that i'm burdened with these complex feelings.
bitter stage, shooting arrows at hearts i loved. i got sensitive, that one hurt. so i'll sink lower too. excuse...i guess you were a good excuse. to keep me focussed and alive. rather than an excuse, i guess you became my reason to keep at it. a handsome excuse was all i could come up with. not hurtful? it's the sad truth. you were enough for me at some point. at some point you were more than enough. once i've cooled off i'll continue to reassure you that you will always be enough. even at this parting, comforting you is a must.
You didn't know and i couldn't bring myself to tell you. Seeing you made my heart sink. I hated it all. Running into you by chance, the awkward small talk. You didn't know and for that i hated you. I was too afraid. For cowering away, i even hated myself. But still, if we run into eachother again... let's not greet eachother. Let's just not meet. I hated you. The expectations that preceeded the heartbreak. The careful and painfully thought out exchanges. The smile i put on whenever you made me nervous. I regret it all.
these are the head under water, struggling to get a word in times. the waking up because that's what you gotta do times. it's the keep the train going for as long as you can times. the difficult but crucial times. the character building time. the part where you wonder if it will always be like this. the really hard part that they turn into a montage in movies, cause no one enjoys those parts. but they still exist for everyone, i'm no exception. people overcome it all and come out happier on the other side. to that also i am no exception.
i wish that i have never met you. Then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for loving you. No need fro crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for rejected hugs. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you've done to me to make me feel like absolutely nothing...
i thought of reasons to stay. i thought hard. i landed on this thought; i could hear his voice for another day. i could hear words he's strung together in ways he's never done before. he has a beautiful way of speaking. he always knows what to say. effortless conversation, anecdotes and that laugh. reasons to stay. to hear about what he did today. to see new pictures of his cat. to listen to music he loves. to watch movies he loves. to go to places he loves. to meet and listen some more. i'm not curious about much. i stick to the basics and take it all for what it is. but i'm curious about him.
▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌ ♡ There is so much room for doubt, but you don't help that out. You say you love me, but there is so much that you won't say, and in all the ways I doubt, it's still pretty far out; that I still love you just as much as I once did. ♡ ▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌▌
when the ache in my chest has subsided, when that worried feeling finally goes away. when i can wake up without feeling weighed down. when i can feel ease and know contentment. when happiness is enjoyed and no longer so fleeting. when i can put this depression down. when i can lock this anxiety away. when food is just food and friends are just friends. when work is passion and family is love. surely then this ache would go away.
in this awkward silence, i'm looking at you. you're looking at me. you didn't ask for much but even this is difficult for me. i am incapable and lacking. any expectation is too high. to myself and you, i am sorry.