So I havent been on here in 5 years I like my profile said? Its wild, reading all the things I used to write that I can only barely remember. I think that was the point of me doing it back the, was to have something I could look back on and know my old self.. but the thing is that I thought I would be looking back as a better person and the truth is, I'm not. I thought that I would grow out of it but I didn't. Here I am, an adult reading things that everyone told me was just teenage angst and thinking to myself, how did I even get this far? Its no wonder Im strugling so hard now, I've been struggling with this my whole fckng life. I like this though, a whole other world I can escape to. I liked going back and reading old things from myself and I want to keep it. So from here on out I'm coming back to this. This is my secret escape, my secret way of getting everything out. If theres anyone out there that feels anything similar to anything I ever wrote, reach out and we can figure it out together. Much love
There's both pain and silence Raging war in my mind The pain is deep and cuts like a knife But the silence is so much worse In silence I feel nothing And I wonder if I'm still there At least the pain Reminds me that I am alive For now, the pain is enough And I will take it over the silence
i've thought about leaving a lot, but it's just superficial. not my true heart. when i feel a sudden pain, i wish it away. when i was given the option between pulling out my tooth or preserving it, i didn't think twice about coughing up almost half a grand. i say i don't care, that none of it matters...but still i'm safeguarding my life. it won't be over until there's nothing to protect. i don't need to look forward to anything. i just need to preserve what i have.
Why do you have to show that smile? I know what you're thinking. Your greasy laugh. This is your perfect scenario. Keep that smile, I don't mind it. It hurts you more anyway. So prideful. Does your laugh have to change too? Are we shooting this right? If it doesn't go according to plan then we can do this again. You look uneasy. I don't have the upperhand here, so fix your smile. Do this how you've always done it. Like how all my passions are your objects of envy. How my fears are places we need to explore. Did you like me or not? Pick a side, your mask is crooked. It's getting hard for you to keep this up...i think I like this game now. Your stance looks off, everything is fake. You probably rehearsed all month. I almost feel bad...but then i lose, right? Your perfect scenario. I don't know what you were expecting. Just finish your lines. You should at least have the decency to show crocodile tears. You have all the time in the world. If your run out, just ask for more. If it's for you, the world would grant you even that, right?
It's much deeper than everyone getting the same amount of dessert as a kid. It's the support, the afterschool activities, the showing up, the unconditional love. It's the reassurance that no matter what you do, your parents will always be there for you. It's not enough to say you loved us all the same, because i saw it. When i wasn't allowed to do things that they could. When i was unfairly compared. When their achievements were celebrated and mine expected. It's the different standards, where for some reason mine were always higher but no reward. When push came to shove in a heated argument, your instincts told you to protect her. To take her side. I will never fully understand. I think it is too cruel to make me understand. It's less awkward now at least. Our relationship almost died when i saw it all for what it was. I still care but have little respect for you. Love doesn't matter if there's no respect. Caring is unintentional, i'll care for as long as it isn't calculated and deliberate. If i ever let it get to that point i'll be disappointed in myself for resembling you.
You're not special for standing by the one person who is getting pointed at. If you didn't for one moment think that maybe the majority had come to a decision that they were the harmful one, then no you are not special. Staying by their side, waiting for them to hurt you so you can see it for yourself doesn't make you special. You should think for a second...maybe there's a reason they're not getting along with the others. You won't be any better if you ignore the red flags and choose them over everyone else. That's not being forgiving, that's how you lose people. That's how you lost me.
just be with me. even when it hurts, i won't let go. i'll try my best to be better. i won't let you or myself down. i'll embrace the pain. everytime it comes to face me, i'll be better. with you i can do anything. nothing is too unbearable when i know i can lean on you. i'm thankful for a love this strong. i can overcome it all. i won't give in when it stings, because i know it will only get better. when i feel like i can't take it anymore, like i've reached my limit its okay to take a break, but i know i can do better. when it all seems crazy and i want to scream, i can ride the wave and not be hurt by it. if i brace and open myself up to what's coming, then i can take it. you're dependable, i trust you with my all. i feel myself become a better person when i'm with you. i just want to tell you i'm thankful. that i can fully open up to you and that you accept me as i am. even when it's messy and i feel like i could burst, you remind me that everything is temporary. that you will always be there to hold me. i always thought i had strength, but you've shown me on a deeper level what i can do. when it hurts, i will press on. i won't ever let go. it's okay to cry but i have to hang on and keep going. i like that i can always come back to you. guided by you. tell me what to do. everything seems to workout well when i follow your lead. lets keep walking this path. i'm the most comfortable with you. all the built up stress melts away and i feel like i could endure it all again. you're just so nice. i'm so smitten.
Do humans live for a long time? I have to put my trust in something that lasts longer. I can't make you my happiness. There needs to be another thing to hang around for. What if for the rest of my life, the happiest moment of each day is when you come home? It sounds special, but i fear that. What would i do if you didn't come home? What if i outlive you? What would i do then? If comfort is your arms and love is time spent with you...then love and comfort will all end with you. It doesn't have to end dramatically with death. What if you simply find someone new. What if i'm not ready to let go? How would i get you to stay? I'm insecure about a lot of things. You love me a lot, but what if that changes. I like myself for the most part too, i know i would live on for her. Family exist too, i wouldn't allow myself to break down in front of them. Realistically i know i would get through all of it. But i hope i don't have to...despite it being inevitable. If your heart never changes, then in a selfish way i hope you outlive me. I won't have to know what it's like to be without you that way. In a sadistic way, i want to outlive you. The thought of you not being coddled for even for one day makes my heart sad.