Tears burnt my cheeks as they rolled down, ever so casually and for a moment, just a moment, I didn’t have to pretend I was okay or that everything would be okay. I didn’t need to be optimistic, I didn’t need to be happy and I didn’t need to feel the way everyone else was feeling. I could be myself.
The truth had burnt a hole in my heart. You don’t want me – you don’t love me. Sounds pathetic, right? And in a way, yes, it is pathetic. It’s pathetic that I’ve let one boy make me feel so worthless, so good for nothing.
You had always been a nice guy. You have one hell of a sense of humour and even if you weren’t the cutest fish in the sea, in my eyes you were flawless. I couldn’t describe the way I felt for you. Not then, not now – all I can say is that I felt unstoppable when I was with you. You made me feel pretty; you made me feel like I was worth it.
You had always been my first thought when I woke up and my last thought when I fell asleep. Funny how you still are but when I think of him I don’t become happy anymore and I don’t smile. I frown and sometimes, I cry because I miss what we had and I just didn’t want you to be in love with someone else. Who was I kidding, though?
“It’s going to be okay! It’s not the end of the world.” I didn’t understand how so many people could say that when you were my world. You were my everything and it was hard to go on pretending I didn’t know you and pretending you had never been sprawled across my bed, laughing at me with that contagious laugh while I danced around in my pajamas. It was hard to forget about that one time when I had run to you, crying because of something that seems so stupid now and you had held me until I calmed down and whispered sweet nothings into my ear. It was hard not to remember our first time, the way you had been so gently and caring with me. It was hard not to remember the first time you told me “I love you.” The way you had held my face. It was hard to forget your laugh. It was hard to forget your eyes – the chocolate brown that I could stare into for forever. It was hard to forget your smile but most of all; it was hard to forget the way I felt when I was around you. I was scared I’d never feel that way with anyone, ever again.
I had waited days and days for you to break up with me. I knew it was coming. You started to distant yourself from me and we started spending less and less time together and sometimes, you pretended you didn’t get my texts when I knew you had. I tried not to be clingy, I gave you some space, I stopped texting you so much, stopped bugging you but you had already made up your mind.
“I’m sorry, Elise. It’s not you it’s me. I just don’t think I’m in a position in my life where I should be dating.” Why were you running around, laughing with her a couple of days later? Why had you left me abandoned with no one to turn to?
Nobody understood. Everybody thought you were just another boy with a cute smile. Everybody told me that in a year, I probably wouldn’t even remember what we had shared but I know they’re wrong. Nobody could ever make me forget the way you had made me feel, even if I wanted so badly to forget. I tried everything to forget.
I went out, I got drunk, I went home with a stranger but in the end, I just couldn’t do it. All I could think about was you, the way you had touched me. I couldn’t stop comparing the man with you and he was nothing compared to you. I ended up leaving before anything happened because I couldn’t go through with it. You were in my veins. You are in my veins. I love you and I beg you, please don’t be in love with someone else.
♡ based on the song Sail by Awolnation ♡