☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾ Call me crazy. Call the universe cruel. Call my mother on the phone, with an apology she’ll never believe. Call me soulmate, I never believed in them anyway. Call to ask how I’m doing. Call for all of your kitchen dances and hazey car kisses back. Call my name in your sleep, call it when you unravel. ☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾
☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾ You ask my why all of my writing sounds sad, but you don't understand the way it manifests. The way my words are strung fairy lights, in an empty house at midnight, trying to make all of the dark edges beautiful again. ☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾
☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾ I've been thinking about your kiss pressed to the flat of my shoulder blade at 3 a.m., and what forever feels like, and what the difference is between the two. I remember standing in the snow, both of your hands encasing mine, with all of our promises in our palms. They were precious, and sparkling, and we kept them warm. I want to worry about white bedsheets, and burning dinner, but I don't know how to do that when I'm worrying about getting through each night. I still have the picture from the night you tried to save me. I'm sorry, it didn't work. ☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾
☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾ I'm sorry I can't get out of bed today. All of this baggage cripples me like a demon on my back. I thought leaving would make things easier to bear, but I've never heard of someone choking on panic over the feathers they carry in their pockets. I keep with me all of the hatchets that were ever buried into my skin while I stood helpless, though none of them will ever be evidence for the murder of the girl I once was--I keep them for the feel of blood on my fingers. It reminds me of home. ☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾☽☾
Most Guys Don't Realize, She tells you she's okay ; but its not really true. You're stupid to believe it ; she lied to you. She's really hurt ; her hearts going insane. You're very clueless ; You're the one causing her pain. Instead of being her umbrella ; your the pouring rain, You're the slitting cut ; close to her viens. You have another girl ; right after your break up. You dont even worry about her ; you ruin her make up. You called her a b.tch ; she has no leash. You called her annoying ; you compared her to fleas. She's like a mirror thats broken ; she soaks her pillow when she cries. She finally stops crying ; she's drained out. Her heart keeps beating ; it hasnt powered out. You're h0e breaks up with you ; you try getting back with your ex. She's over it ; she moved on to the next. She still loves you ; but she dont wanna get hurt. She needs to feel loved ; not her heart feeling the burn. Cant go back and forth ; Stop hurting innocent hearts. You strike at their heart ; as if you were a dart.
I want that, "Baby I love you more" , kinda love. The "you're the only one that I adore", love. That, "I'll always be here for you", love. Or, "I'll always support whatever you do", love. What about, "I want you to hold me tight", love. "You're the only one I want tonight", love. Maybe, "I can't wait to start our chapter", love. Baby, "I want our happily ever after", love. But mostly I want that, "I will always love you no matter what", "I'm gonna stay faithful and true", love. "My heart only has room for you", love. "You're my soulmate", kinda love. "Lets get married, I can't wait", love. Yeah ; That love.
so lately bridges have been calling me calling to be built calling to be burnt calling to be jumped from I have only build them don't have the heart to burn them can only burn myself afraid of putting myself out at the bottom of the river should be proud of those engeniering skills and selective hearing but birthdays are not parties for me so much to celibrate nothing makes me sing I'm sitting on the bridges feel the bottom of the river calling my flames my feet feel supported by the strong cool steel
She created a place in her mind after everything bad happened as a child, this place in her mind said to her that she was okay. After something else happened the place in her mind was no longer good for her, instead it haunted her. She lost herself. emotionless to somethings that vary, putting a facade on to show that she's happy and feeling fine, when clearly otherwise. ((He is a different story. )) He used to make her feel even better and that she was kind of loved and that she had hope for the future, that she wanted to spend the future alive. Now she's not really sure what's next, but the thoughts of him gets her overwhelmed. Happy, sad and angry. One moment, she would be happy, that it's done, ended and the next she is sad at the fact she was never really loved. Anger comes in when he couldn't tell her who he really is and what he's like. It's a cycle of all these emotions for the past couple of days and nights. She questions whether he is a physcopath or whether he actually loved her. It's hard for her to believe that he never loved her, the amount of times he told her convinced her. Then the thoughts of him telling another girl the same thing flood in, which just proves to her. She used to think of telling him that no one will ever love him as much as she did, but this girl probably does which pains her. She feels so very numb when she's by herself, she's trying to find herself but it's quite impossible when she's just thinking of him. She knows she's supposed to do well this year, really well. But she's not in the right place and she doesn't think she will ever be. It's only 9 days into this year she wishes she could rewind it to the start of the year so she could hear him say he loved her even if he really didn't. She didn't want to do what she did but she didn't think he would ever understand, so maybe now he will see.
Some days I am more low shoulers than strong back am more deep sigh than fierce words am sad am world inside me crumbeling instead of florishing or coliding and today might be such a day of slow of blue of getting trough with snow and tea snuggle sweaters steam, blush on cheeks a smile that could mean nothing or everything of getting trough
everything happens for a reason but somethings just turn out bad, wrong, rotten you might be excited to enter a new world or way or walk of life now you met me however you call this venture in my head but I am still a scared little girl I'm still tossing and turning in my head questioning my creator and self scared if I will scar myself again this time in my new self destruction but it's new right? and it's fun right?
On some nights I write because eventhough it is quite imbarrasing it's not as imbarrasing as contemplating suicide and the humiliation when someone spots me and sighs not this again so I write because yes this again this feeling of needing to put the pain inside outside taking out the trash wherther it is cutting wrists, writing anything, jumping bridges, blowing bubbles, reading poetry, crying buckets, talking about (it), healing from (it), remembering (anything) as long as it keeps this stinking mess outside only for tonight I need to put the mess outside for tonight because I want to sleep I want to sleep because I can't sleep because my body want to keep hurting itself while it wants to heal itself this is the human condition this is my duality
To be honest all the love I give is only about me you are just the temporary home I stall all my love, overload and overwhelm you but don't worry it will find a new place soon you can keep some but it's only just enough to make you keep comming back keep wanting that rush, you're not gonna get I do not love you because you're pretty or smart or sencitive or sweet I love you because you are there because you are imperfect because you are something I can leave I was never good with becomming one with a body of any kind so I can leave so I can complain, so I can pretend like I'm anything but a nomad I can't carry all this love so I hand it out but don't give it to yu it's all still mine to take away with me