mhamilton posted a quote
January 30, 2016 11:08am UTC
I WANT US TO LAST. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AN AMAZING COUPLE OF MONTHS AND THEN IT BE ALL OVER IN A FLASH. I DON'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE FEELINGS OF HURT, CONFUSION, AND DISAPPOINTMENT AGAIN. NO MATTER WHAT WE RUN INTO & NO MATTER HOW HARD THINGS GET, I WANT US TO STICK TOGETHER <3
I found all the letters i've wrote to you over the past two years. The distance was terrible, but knowing that you'll never get to read my heart poured out is the worst part. I loved you with my entire being. Everything I did, I did for us for our future. I still think I should send them to you. But in all honesty I don't think you'd care.
It is so hard for me to think that you are no longer mine, that you're leaving to be even further away from me. It is only Day 1 but I feel so broken, I cried. And cried. And cried. And I know that I won't be able to get over you as easily as you think I will, But I still thank my lucky stars that I met you. Maybe we can be friends. Maybe we can become closer. I know that I would rather have you in my life in some way than not at all.
"I miss you." × "Babygirl I'm right here." × "But you're not here. You're however many miles away, but not here beside me. I'm missing arms that have never held me, hands I've never felt, eyes I've never seen, lips I've never kissed. My heart aches to trace the veins that pattern your skin, those faint blue lines that travel up and down arm with the slightest bulge that would facinate me endlessly. All I want is nothing more than for you to be by my side at this moment in time, inches away rather than state. I want you to be here in person so I can watch how my name tumbles like a prayer from your mouth, how your lips form each letter carefully, as if each one was fragile an needed to be spoke with care. I want you within arms reach so I can lean over to kiss your cheek, shaking you from your deep thoughts. I don't want you so far to where I couldn't feel your heartbeat or the way your chest rises and falls with each breath. You've told me that you've never known a gentle touch, and I want to be the first you feel. I want to be with you in person, to learn all the litte habits you have, like the way your tounge pokes out of your mouth while your pen inks a page, bringing a creation to life; or the way you run a hand through your hair when you're annoyed, messing it up just enough to give you that innocent bedhead look as well the sense someone had just been pulling on it with pleasure, or the way you bite your lip while you're lost in thought. I want to learn the quirks you don't know about, like the way you'd hold my hand, softly grazing the pad of your thumb over the top of my hand because it makes you feel secur; or the way you find yourself cracking your knuckles when you're nervous; or the way your fingers find your eyelashes, because you like their softness. I just want more. How does that song go, the one by that band I know you hate? If these sheets were the states and you were miles away, I'd fold them end over end to bring you closer to me. And you know how much I hate folding from the numerous times I've dome my laundry on the phone with you. God, I love you, but I want something more tangilbe than a phone call goodnight.
I love how he calls me whenever something happens that makes him feel bad, and when something happens that makes him feel great. I love being his best friend and his girlfriend. I love being the one person he feels knows what he's going through, the only one who really understands. I love making him laugh. I love thinking back to the few days he'd spent here with me. I love knowing that we become a little closer to each other and a little closer to each other after every phone conversation that we have. I love a lot of stuff about us :3 and I hope that never changes.
LOVE IS NOT BASED ON THE PHYSICAL I AM IN LOVE WITH A GUY WHOM I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED, KISSED, OR EVEN HELD HIS HAND DO NOT TELL ME THAT MY LOVE FOR HIM IS NOT REAL JUST BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER PHYSICALLY TOUCHED HIM OR HE HAS NOT PHYSICALLY TOUCHED ME HE HAS TOUCHED MY HEART AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH AN ARRANGEMENT OF LETTERS INSTEAD OF ATOMS AND I ADORE YOUR PIXELS MORE THAN ANYTHING TANGIBLE THAT IVE EVER KNOWN YET I WISH THAT INSTEAD OF TEARING OPEN MY VEINS TO OBTAIN THE PARTS OF YOU THAT KEEP ME ALIVE, THAT YOU COULD REVEAL YOUR PRESENCE IN MY BLOODSTREAM THROUGH BRUISES STAINED ACROSS MY NECK RESEMBLING ROUGH FRAGMENTS OF BLEEDING STARS EVERY TIME I REACH ACROSS MY BEDSHEETS FOR MY CELL PHONE I PRETEND THAT I AM GRASPING FOR YOUR HAND AND I WOULD RATER COMPOSE RHYTHMS WITH MY FINGERTIPS ACROSS YOUR BACK RATHER THAN COMBINATIONS OF EDGED LETTERS ON MY KEYBOARD THE VIBRATIONS OF A NEW MESSAGE COULDNT EVEN COMPARE TO THE POUNDING OF YOUR PULSE I LOVE YOU AND I DONT CARE THAT I AM SHOUTING INTO A PROCESSOR THAT CONVERTS MY ADORATION TO PIXELS AND INTO THE OBLIVION I AM UNCERTIAN WHERE THESE LETTERS END UP BUT I HOPE THAT THEY EVENTUALLY FIND THEIR WAY INTO THE MARGINS OF YOUR RIBCAGE AND I LOVE YOU.
M- I PUT THE CIGARETTE TO MY LIPS AND INHALED THE DEADLY CHEMICALS FU/K IT BURNED BUT SO DID MY EYES FROM CRYING SO MUCH THEY WERE STAINED RED LIKE MY WRISTS THEY HAD YOUR NAME ON THEM I BREATHED OUT THE SMOKE AND WATCHED IT SWIVEL AWAY INTO NOTHING; YOU WERE MY ADDICTION AND YOU FILLED MY LUNGS WITH SOMETHING THAT KILLED THE PAIN BUT FU/K I WISH I KNEW THAT YOU WERE GOING TO WARE OFF, YOU FU/KING SWIVELED OUT OF MY LUNGS AND INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S, I FU/KING BREATHED YOU IN AND NOW YOU ARE TRAPPED INSIDE OF ME RUINING EVERY INCH OF MY BODY BUT THE ONLY THING IS YOU AREN'T HERE AND THERE ISN'T A REHAB FOR LOVE. IM SO SORRY IT HAD TO BE THIS WAY. I COULDNT TELL YOU DIRECTLY. (I KNOW YOU NEVER WISHED FOR ME TO BE THIS WAY BUT I LOVE YOU)
ALL I'VE EVER WANTED IN THIS WORLD WAS SOMETHING TANGIBLE BUT AS I REACH FOR YOU THERE'S NOTHING TO HOLD SO I'LL LOSE MYSELF IN THE SMOKE (SOMETHING YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO DO ANYWAYS) AND TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY YOUR VOICE SOUNDED WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME.