IGNORE THIS IM JUST POSTING IT HERE SO I CAN GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE
My story, pt. 1.
I'm not too sure what to write here, I guess I'll just explain my 'story' bit by bit, so anybody who happens to stumble across me understands me slightly better.
Ahoy, I'm Pippa and I'm 16 years of age. There isn't really much to me. I'm from bonnie Scotland, although it's not actually too bonnie. Then again that could be my oh so pessimistic side kicking in. I apologise in advance directly to you reading this, as I have a tendency to ramble. Anyway, so, me. I'm weird. I have a great music taste. I'm covered in piercings, which is slightly ironic as I'm starting to hold Christian beliefs. In my past, I would never even have considered slightly conforming to a religion - I used to hate everyone and everything, because of things that happened to me. As personal as it is, I decided to share my story and that I shall do.
It mostly started during my childhood. I grew up with my autistic, then violent brother who is a mere year younger than me, my two sisters, my mother and my dad. I grew up in a household where my mother was always stressed and drunk, where my dad was always away working, he had to go to Afghanistan. I grew up with my heroin addict sister, whom I found out a few weeks ago doesn't share the same dad as me. Anyway, I had a decent childhood, it was hard but could've been way worse. At times my mother was incredibly physically and verbally abusive, but as I have matured, I've learnt to accept that and have a slight touch of empathy towards her. At the age of ten, I was rxped by an unknown man. At the age of 13, I entered into an abusive relationship, which I won't go into the details of. I wound up bloody and bruised and mentally broken.
At ten, I started hearing voices, and hallucinating. I'd hear multiple voices, both male and female, shouting and screaming at me as though they were there in the room with me. They did, and still to this day, although not as severe, call me disgusting names, make up suicide plans, and tell me to hurt myself, and hurt other people. I also started seeing a man. I now call him the 'shadow man,' because he is well... a shadow. He's a tall, and very big man. He has no facial features, it's just a blank space. He wears a long coat and a fedora hat, and he just stands there and observes. He laughs at me and does the same things as the voices. Anyway... I didn't want to hurt other people. It wasn't in my nature. I had so much anger, guilt, fear and shame built up though that I feared one day I may just snap and give into my demon's demands. That's when the self harm started. The rxpe, along with bullying which was taking place, and my mental demons altogether created an immense pressure in my mind which I had to release in a non-violent way. It could be argued that SH is violent, but I don't/didn't see it that way as it was only aimed at myself. I picked up a pair of blunt nail scissors one day I was in the bath, and just sliced my forearm. It hurt, because they were blunt, and it took a while to make the incisions but once it was done I felt fulfilled in a way. I liked the look of the blood, I made myself bleed the way the man in the alleyway made me bleed.