I'll never forget the words or the pit in my stomach, when my mom said to me on the phone "Miranda, Kendyl is dying. She's going to die within 3 hours. I'm so sorry." That day I lost one of my bestfriends. I still can hear her laugh and see her smile. It feels like it happened yesterday. 8/9/11 K.M.S.
She created a place in her mind after everything bad happened as a child, this place in her mind said to her that she was okay. After something else happened the place in her mind was no longer good for her, instead it haunted her. She lost herself. emotionless to somethings that vary, putting a facade on to show that she's happy and feeling fine, when clearly otherwise. ((He is a different story. )) He used to make her feel even better and that she was kind of loved and that she had hope for the future, that she wanted to spend the future alive. Now she's not really sure what's next, but the thoughts of him gets her overwhelmed. Happy, sad and angry. One moment, she would be happy, that it's done, ended and the next she is sad at the fact she was never really loved. Anger comes in when he couldn't tell her who he really is and what he's like. It's a cycle of all these emotions for the past couple of days and nights. She questions whether he is a physcopath or whether he actually loved her. It's hard for her to believe that he never loved her, the amount of times he told her convinced her. Then the thoughts of him telling another girl the same thing flood in, which just proves to her. She used to think of telling him that no one will ever love him as much as she did, but this girl probably does which pains her. She feels so very numb when she's by herself, she's trying to find herself but it's quite impossible when she's just thinking of him. She knows she's supposed to do well this year, really well. But she's not in the right place and she doesn't think she will ever be. It's only 9 days into this year she wishes she could rewind it to the start of the year so she could hear him say he loved her even if he really didn't. She didn't want to do what she did but she didn't think he would ever understand, so maybe now he will see.
I put so much effort into people, and i feel like i get nothing in return. I know he's going through a rough time rigth now, and i want to be there by his side for it all. But for him it's not the same, he wants to be gone, he doesn't want to talk to anyone...it hurts so much, but there's not much that i can do besides tell him i love him, and let him have his space.. it would be so f*cking easy if we lived in the same state, i just hope he can hold on for a year and a half so i can finish college and be there with him
& You guys shudder at the thought of past you. At least there isn't stupid evidence of it. I was published. in an actual. book. when I thought I was cool and wanted to be a poet. Oh gosh, it is the stupidest thing ever. How did it get published? Really though. There were 2 published in seperate books, but I never bought the second one. Seriously the most embarrassing thing ever and hundreds of people probably have this book. Ugh.