Remember when you used to dress me up and I wouldn't even complain? Remember how good it felt when I went to sleep early, and woke up and got ready for school without hassles? Remember when I used to cry at the small things, and not over boys? I'm not like that anymore. I wish I could be... but I'm not. I'm growing out of the little girl you raised up and loved. I wish I didn't have to... but I do. I have to grow up. When I was younger, I used to dream about being "grown-up" and being like the older girls. But now I regret it. Now I wish I was a little girl again. That little girl that had no homework to worry about, no boys, no period mood swings, no future to wonder about. That little girl that ate chocolate without thinking of what it would do to her body. I want to be that little girl again, but I can't.
Now it's all about insecurities and disappointed feelings and regrets. Now I can't go anywhere without feeling slightly self-conscious. I can't do pretty much anything in front of boys without being disrespected by them. You see, mum, I have this fear. This fear of if I wake up one day and well... everything is gone. I'm afraid of life, mother. I'm afraid of what'll happen after life. I'm afraid of being hurt, of letting people in, of falling in love and staying in love. I'm afraid of creating my own family... Am I a good role-model mum? Do you think I deserve to be happy?
It doesn't take a genius to understand that nobody is perfect. Yes, mother, I made mistakes and I still do. Sometimes it feels as if I'm not good enough, for you or for anybody else. I feel like you're not proud of me, and that you expect more from me. I feel as if you'd rather have another daughter instead of me, considering the amount of times you've compared me to other girls out there. Don't you see how much it hurts me mama? It hurts me so much when you compare me with other people. It hurts me when you cry but it hurts even more when I'm the reason.
I wish I could make you proud.
And one day mama, I will. I will make you proud. I'll make you proud of me; proud of being my mother. I'll make you happy, and I'll make you smile. I won't let you down.
But for now, please let me figure out who I am. I never want to disappoint you, of course not, but I don't want to disappoint myself either. I want to be happy. That's all I want. But I want you to be happy too, mum. I know I'm not that little girl you and I both wish I still was, but I've grown and I've learned. I've made mistakes but I have learned mama. I hope that one day, I'll make you proud. I want you to be proud of me.
I love you mother, despite our arguments and our fights. Despite how many times I've (regrettably) wished you weren't my mum. Despite how many times I've cried because of you, and how I felt like I wasn't close enough to you. I still love you and I always will. If I made you upset, well, mama....
I'm truly sorry.
Love, your daughter.