There's this guy at work that I have known for almost 3 years now. I always thought he was cute, but then I started seeing someone (also from work).Then after the company's Christmas dinner this guy came up to me & grabbed my hand. I told him to get his friend some water as he had just thrown up. (They were all drunk and I was the DD) I didn't really think much of him trying to hold my hand, despite me being in a relationship with someone else. After a few months my SO and I went to an OpenAir concert where this guy from work was with his friends. At first I didn't even realize what was happening around me as I was pretty drunk myself. But then at some point I realized that he was holding my hand again. I tried holding it up to check if maybe he would let go as I was not "holding it back". Didn't work. & didn't really care at that point. A few months back we were at a festival where we ran into him as well, but nothing happened there. Except for the part that I realized that I might to start crushing on him.Another few months go by and the next christmas dinner was happening. I was no longer in a relationship, but we remained friends. At this point we hadn't really told anyone yet about the break up. So we sat at the table with this guy and we told him. & I also told him that no one would get mad anymore, if he should try to hold hands again. He had his thinking look on his face & after a moment he said: "I can't promise anything."So after the dinner we all decided to go to the bar. By now everyone was pretty drunk. I started to cling onto him & since he didn't seem to mind I continued doing so. I hooked my arm with his, gave him random hugs and by the end of the night he even hopped on my back. This was the point where I started crushing on him hard.I started to ask him to have a drink, to hang out, to go drive around, to the movies, etc. pretty much any idea I could come up with to spend time with him. To my surprise he almost always said yes, if he said no it was because he already had other plans, but always "made it up" to me by setting up another time.During this time he spend a few weeks abroad for work. On the second business trip he added 2 weeks of vacation. Before he'd left for the second trip we talked about his vacation and he was telling my about him going to NYC for a few days. Turned out that he was going alone, so I saw my chance and jokingly said I could join him as I had already put in my vacation days.So a few weeks later I met him in NYC. We had a few amazing days together, but on the "love-side" nothing really happened. Although, he was always really caring about me.
22 December 2018 I imagined my mind knowing better felt my viscera quiver. the birds get startled into flight though always round-trip. it’s good to be home alone not that you would if I had anything to do about it but we make do. life sucks its thumb. you’re right where you’re meant to be. who’s to say blankets aren’t party dresses or that eyes can only wet in one way. gloveless in this eventide chill. luckily we aren’t parting thickets for interstices for clarity. I empathise with the trees that bend out of light’s way at least till rough limbs creep up gently against glass they refuse to crack. dirty bedroom window remains so. it treasures the head that rested on it oil and all pondering the ease with which we dance around naked intention. show me it’s possible to live and for quite a while without flowering a new wound. how lovely we are in our natural state. taste of raw tongue on my tongue waves fragile at our feet. we stay dipped long enough for our digits to grow old shrivel without fear. something once felt too cruel to endure. I would not have chosen to float if given the option. but now i’ll swim.
Southwest Gothic weather vanes spinning wildly even though there's no wind sunsets bathing everything in saturated light before all the color disappears old homesteads leaning to one side everything covered in cobwebs walking in the desert alone but you're not alone someone on the crest is crawling with you waking up to the sound of a complete downpour but looking outside and it hasn't rained even a drop your walls have eyes and they've seen