Best Hilarious Quotes Today

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 12, 2013 7:31pm UTC

How roll call will go in the future:
Teacher: Welcome to class students! Please say 'here' when I call your name.
Teacher: Albus
Albus: Here!
Teacher: Doctor
Doctor: Oh, yes, um, hello. I can't talk at the moment, time's gone wibbly. Probably leave a message at the tone or something.
Teacher: Um... okay? Hermione
Hermione: Yes, I'm here! And when's our first test? I've been studying all Summer and-
Red-headed boy in class: Oh my god, Hermione, shut up!
Teacher: And you must be Ron! Okay then, Primrose
Primrose: Here
Random girl in back of class: I VOLUNTEER!!!
Teacher: And I see Katniss has made it today as well, welcome.
Blonde boy: Katniss is here?! Yes! Her Katniss, try this bread I baked this morning!
Brunette boy: Oh, you'd better keep your hands off her! She's my best friend! We go hunting together!
Teacher: Peeta! Gale! Stop fighting over Katniss and sit down.
Teacher: Rory
Doctor: Oh, Rory died yesterday, ma'am. But he should be back again tomorrow.
Teacher: Oh...kay? And lastly, Draco.
Draco: I'm LAST?! My father will hear about this!

👍 this is good · read the comments · 459 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
August 11, 2013 5:08pm UTC

I wonder if clouds ever look
down on us and say "Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot".

👍 this is good · read the comments · 446 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 15, 2013 5:09pm UTC

Unless you physically see me
opening a tampon, don't just assume that because I'm angry, I'm on my period because that's just annoying and tonight when you're sleeping, I will "just assume" you are dead and bury you in the backyard.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 431 points

BravoSierra
posted a quote
May 8, 2013 12:52pm UTC

BravoSierra's format
Disney Channel is like that one close friend
you had when you were little that grew up to be an ásshole.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 416 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
September 1, 2013 4:18pm UTC

You hear a noise.
It's a soft clink followed by footsteps in your yard. You spring to your feet, and race to the door. Flinging it open wide, you race to your backyard. There, you see one thing, and one thing only: a spilled milkshake. Happy tears fill your eyes as you gingerly pick up the milkshake. The wind blows your hair back as you stare off into the sunset and whisper softly to yourself: The boys were here.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 427 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 19, 2013 5:27pm UTC

Mom: Why is everything on the floor?!
Me: Gravity, mom.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 398 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
September 1, 2013 4:12pm UTC

I have this weird self-esteem
issue where I hate myself, but I still think I'm better than everyone else.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 392 points

Ralph*
posted a quote
February 2, 2013 9:55pm UTC

I wanna be a panda
bear so 'freakin bad,
eAT ALL OF THE BAMBOO I NEVER HAD
I WANNA BE ON THE COVER OF ZOO MAGAZINES
SMILING NEXT TO ZEBRA AND THE PIG
OH EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES
I SEE MYSELF BLACK AND WHITE
A DIFFERENT ZOO EVERY NIGHT, OH I SWEAR
THE WORLD BETTER PREPARE
FOR WHEN I'M A PANDA BEAR

👍 this is good · read the comments · 351 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 17, 2013 6:52pm UTC

In 1000 years, archeologists
will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 339 points

kristabff
posted a quote
April 26, 2013 4:36pm UTC

This actually happened in science class today.
Girl: ~talks loudly to her friends during a video on hurricanes~
Woman Substitute Teacher: Excuse me but do i need to come sit next to you??
Girl: No thank you i'm straight!!
Oh my god.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 340 points

*Elena;~ ♥*

posted a quote
August 1, 2013 1:38pm UTC

Did you know that cats rub their faces
against things
that they claim as their territory so if they rub against your face
you've just been named an honorary member of that cat’s family
like wow thank you cat

👍 this is good · read the comments · 320 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 23, 2013 5:45pm UTC

If I were the guy who made
the "Where's Waldo" books, I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn't there.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 319 points

kristabff
posted a quote
June 27, 2013 3:11pm UTC

"Do you ever sleep over at someone
else's house, and then you wake up the next morning and for a couple seconds you're like 'Where the heck am I??' and then you realize where you are and you're like, 'Oh sh/t I'm at that ra.p.ists house again ughh f/ck.'"
- Sam Pepper

👍 this is good · read the comments · 315 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
July 1, 2013 7:47pm UTC

Me: *Reading a book*
Person: What are you reading?
Me: *holds up book while continuing to read*
Person: Oh yeah, I read that book! Did you get to the part where ________ dies?
Me: WHAT THE F*CK HAVE YOU DONE

👍 this is good · read the comments · 287 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 23, 2013 5:16pm UTC

If websites were teenaged classmates:
Tumblr: The creative computer genius/blogger who everyone is jealous of. Most people copy her work.
Twitter and Facebook: Brother and sister, they are the drama king and queen of the school. They will tell anyone who will listen about whatever is going on in their lives. They are known for announcing their statuses at the top of their lungs. They are addicted to their iPhones.
Youtube: A movie making expert who is famous throughout the school. This tech-geek is well-liked and his movies have gone viral.
MySpace: The lonely girl who sits in the back of the class. She knows what it's like to be popular, but unfortunately, she has been long forgotten. No one really knows why she's even there anymore...
Witty: The group of mentally crazy teenage girls. They sit on top of desks in the back of the room in messed-up messy buns, and sweatpants eating jars of Nutella and watching cat videos on their phones and telling jokes before laughing like donkeys and falling off of desks. To escape the awkward moment, they joke slowly out the door (jogging for 27 seconds before becoming too tired) to be married to One Direction and Ed Sheeran. Sadly, they both decline their requests for marriage, and they socially awkward Wittians stumble away to the animal shelter to buy as many cats as they like before flying into the grocery store to buy more Nutella. They want to buy clothing too, however they walk away in shame after seeing the price tags on the items.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 304 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
August 28, 2013 5:36pm UTC

Have you ever thought about
how weird sleeping is? Like we basically dress ourselves in special sleeping clothes and lay on special sleeping mats and then spend the next few hours completely unconcsious all the while hallucinating vividly

👍 this is good · read the comments · 275 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 27, 2013 4:53pm UTC

Perks of not having a thigh gap:
When food falls in your lap, you can actually catch it.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 278 points

sammy*
posted a quote
February 9, 2013 5:15pm UTC

you take "the" out of psychotherapist

👍 this is good · read the comments · 259 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 14, 2013 4:21pm UTC

When you're doing something
you're not supposed to do, every small noise scares you.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 231 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
June 8, 2013 7:29pm UTC

I like when Google answers
my stupid questions because it means I'm not the only one asking Google stupid questions.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 220 points

Witty Profiles

Best Hilarious Quotes Today