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Best Funny Quotes Ever

  1. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    January 24, 2013 6:20pm EST
    i'm seriously considering filling my pockets with
    glitter and whenever someone near me says something really stupid or rude, i'll just reach into my pocket with a dead expression and realease the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of stupid.

  2. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    March 8, 2013 3:36pm EST
    one time in high school i didn't read the assigned book
    and i was like screw it imma write this essay anyway and i had no idea what the book was even about or who the characters were so i just spewed out some bs about archetypes and the teacher came up to me after class and told me i was the only student who truly understood the book.

  3. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    January 24, 2013 5:57pm EST
    the person who invented marriage was creepy:
    "hey, i love you so much, i'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave."

  4. TaintedCorruption TaintedCorruption
    posted a quote
    February 16, 2013 2:15pm EST
    Sister: What's a pedestrian?
    Me: Ask mom.
    Sister: I can't it sounds dirty.
    Me: Fine...YOU'RE THE BIGGEST PEDESTRIAN I EVER SEEN!
    Sister: MOM SHE CALLED ME A PEDESTRIAN.
    Mom: But you are a pedestrain
    Sister: *cries*

  5. ThatsSoMeee ThatsSoMeee
    posted a quote
    February 17, 2013 4:25pm EST
    Every book
    you've ever read
    is just a different combination
    of 26 letters.
    Weird, isn't it?

  6. kristabff kristabff
    posted a quote
    April 21, 2013 2:14pm EDT
    A white m&m comes into a room with candy friends.
    White m&m: ~engages conversation with a mentos and jellybean~
    Jellybean: Hey so where are you from anyway, white m&m?
    White m&m: Oh I'm from that chocolate m&m bag over there!
    Jellybean: Wait... if you're from a CHOCOLATE m&m bag, then why are you white??
    Mentos: OH MY GOD JELLYBEAN, YOU CAN'T JUST ASK CANDIES WHY THEY'RE WHITE

  7. kurwa* kurwa*
    posted a quote
    January 25, 2013 2:53pm EST
    You know that quiet girl in class?
    Yeah, she goes home and makes fun of all of you on Witty.

  8. kurwa* kurwa*
    posted a quote
    February 15, 2013 8:41pm EST
    I passed a real gentleman in Boston a few weeks ago.
    Dude (into cellphone): I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR F//CKING JAW. THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR F//CKING JAW. I'M GONNA BREAK--hold on, give me a second. There's a lady walking by.

  9. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    March 17, 2013 5:24pm EDT
    someone called me fat today at school because
    i was eating chips in math class so i looked at them, then to my bag of chips, then poured the rest of the bag inside my mouth and without breaking eye contact, pulled out another bag from my backback and kept eating.

  10. jimmy365 jimmy365
    posted a quote
    January 28, 2013 3:20pm EST
    do you ever
    make a huge scene
    and then march off to your bedroom but
    eventually you get hungry and you
    feel like you can’t leave your room because you
    want to prove a point or something
    f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5

  11. jimmy365 jimmy365
    posted a quote
    February 18, 2013 5:44pm EST
    omfG
    SO TODAY IN
    PHYSICS THIS GIRL’S
    PHONE WENT OFF
    AND HER RINGTONE
    WAS SHINE
    BRIGHT LIKE A
    DIAMOND AND MY
    TEACHER STOOD UP
    AND SAID TURN
    THAT THING OFF IF I
    HEAR IT AGAIN
    I WILL PERSONALLY
    TRACK DOWN
    RIHANNA AND EXPLAIN
    TO HER THAT
    DIAMONDS DO NOT
    SHINE THEY REFLECT
    f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5

  12. jimmy365 jimmy365
    posted a quote
    March 4, 2013 8:38pm EST
    my friend
    knows a guy called
    Glen Coco and everyone’s
    always saying
    “You go, Glen Coco”
    to him but he’s
    never seen Mean Girls so
    he just thinks people are
    really supportive
    format jimmy365

  13. jimmy365 jimmy365
    posted a quote
    January 27, 2013 12:13pm EST
    i was in line at target
    just trying to buy some
    ice cream and this
    baby was screaming its soul out.
    Anyways, the mom turned
    around and looked
    me straight in the eyes with the
    most monotone voice and said
    “birth control….
    Use birth control…”
    f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5 | f u n n i e s

  14. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    March 3, 2013 4:56pm EST
    next time you're washing your hands next to
    somebody, cup your hands under the tap water until the water overflows, then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand." it's a guaranteed way to make friends. i have never tried it, but it's guaranteed.

  15. Andreaxoxo Andreaxoxo
    posted a quote
    May 6, 2013 6:00pm EDT
    a lot of my life
    has been realizing that i would
    cross oceans
    for people who wouldn't
    jump puddles for me

  16. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    February 16, 2013 1:33pm EST
    DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW NED IS SURVIVING HIGH SCHOOL?
    I HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD FROM HIM SINCE THE END OF EIGHTH GRADE AND I'M STARTING TO WORRY

  17. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    March 10, 2013 4:45am EDT
    am i the only one who tries to
    learn lyrics to rap songs so i can surprise people during car rides.

  18. yourcool yourcool
    posted a quote
    February 26, 2013 4:18pm EST
    does anyone ever see things in their dreams
    and then later in life see the exact same thing and freak out for a couple of seconds?

  19. BlackButterflies BlackButterflies
    posted a quote
    January 29, 2013 8:25pm EST
    oh my god guys i'm in a cafe on my own and this massive group of popular guys i know just walked in
    i could say hi but im sitting at a table with a laptop and a plate of food the size of asia
    i'm actually making a quote just so i look like i'm doing something, not just sitting here a loser. because i am sitting here like a loser
    one of them's walking over in my direction help abort mission abort mission
    ...
    ...
    he said hey and i was too socially awkward to admit i'm here alone so i said my friends are in the bathroom
    which they're not.
    because they don't exist.
    because they're not real.
    i can't just walk out now that'd be too obvious
    please tell me they're getting coffee to go or something
    JESUS THEY GOT A TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO MINE
    WHY IS MY LIFE THE WAY MY LIFE IS
    i need to leave right now before they realise i lied about the friends
    but i have a coffee
    and it's caramel flavoured
    and also i have a pie and some chocolate cake
    don't judge me, i eat like twelve grown men
    why do bad things happen to good people?
    maybe i could take the coffee and leave?
    ...no it's not takeaway so I'd get arrested for stealing the cup
    help help help help help
    i wish i could make TARDIS noises and disappear but no
    i'm not a time machine
    i wish i was a time machine.
    abort abort abort

  20. XxMeliRidesRainbowPoniesxX XxMeliRidesRainbowPoniesxX
    posted a quote
    February 2, 2013 12:56pm EST
    Is it just me, or did we used to have normal-scented shampoos before? Everything was just strawberry, cinnamon, and citrus. Nice, normal things.
    Now I pick up a bottle of shampoo and it's all like:
    "DEW GATHERED BY MONKS FROM THE HIMALAYA MOUNTAINS MIXED WITH A ROOT OF AN ASNCLSCHBK PLANT THAT GROWS ONLY IN AN OBSCURE VILLIAGE IN AMAZONIA, WITH A DASH OF MAGICAL BERRIES FROM NARNIA TO GIVE YOU HAIR SOME VOLUME."
    AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
    IT STILL SMELLS LIKE CITRUS TO ME.

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