yourcool posted a quote
January 24, 2013 6:20pm EST
i'm seriously considering filling my pockets with glitter and whenever someone near me says something really stupid or rude, i'll just reach into my pocket with a dead expression and realease the glitter into the sky above their head and watch it shower over them like a baptism of stupid.
one time in high school i didn't read the assigned book and i was like screw it imma write this essay anyway and i had no idea what the book was even about or who the characters were so i just spewed out some bs about archetypes and the teacher came up to me after class and told me i was the only student who truly understood the book.
Sister: What's a pedestrian? Me: Ask mom. Sister: I can't it sounds dirty. Me: Fine...YOU'RE THE BIGGEST PEDESTRIAN I EVER SEEN! Sister: MOM SHE CALLED ME A PEDESTRIAN. Mom: But you are a pedestrain Sister: *cries*
kristabff posted a quote
April 21, 2013 2:14pm EDT
A white m&m comes into a room with candy friends. White m&m: ~engages conversation with a mentos and jellybean~ Jellybean: Hey so where are you from anyway, white m&m? White m&m: Oh I'm from that chocolate m&m bag over there! Jellybean: Wait... if you're from a CHOCOLATE m&m bag, then why are you white?? Mentos: OH MY GOD JELLYBEAN, YOU CAN'T JUST ASK CANDIES WHY THEY'RE WHITE
I passed a real gentleman in Boston a few weeks ago. Dude (into cellphone): I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR F//CKING JAW. THE NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR F//CKING JAW. I'M GONNA BREAK--hold on, give me a second. There's a lady walking by.
someone called me fat today at school because i was eating chips in math class so i looked at them, then to my bag of chips, then poured the rest of the bag inside my mouth and without breaking eye contact, pulled out another bag from my backback and kept eating.
jimmy365 posted a quote
January 28, 2013 3:20pm EST
do you ever make a huge scene and then march off to your bedroom but eventually you get hungry and you feel like you can’t leave your room because you want to prove a point or something f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5
jimmy365 posted a quote
February 18, 2013 5:44pm EST
omfG SO TODAY IN PHYSICS THIS GIRL’S PHONE WENT OFF AND HER RINGTONE WAS SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND AND MY TEACHER STOOD UP AND SAID TURN THAT THING OFF IF I HEAR IT AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY TRACK DOWN RIHANNA AND EXPLAIN TO HER THAT DIAMONDS DO NOT SHINE THEY REFLECT f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5
jimmy365 posted a quote
January 27, 2013 12:13pm EST
i was in line at target just trying to buy some ice cream and this baby was screaming its soul out. Anyways, the mom turned around and looked me straight in the eyes with the most monotone voice and said “birth control…. Use birth control…” f o r m a t j i m m y 3 6 5 | f u n n i e s
next time you're washing your hands next to somebody, cup your hands under the tap water until the water overflows, then look at them dramatically and say "this water is getting out of hand." it's a guaranteed way to make friends. i have never tried it, but it's guaranteed.
oh my god guys i'm in a cafe on my own and this massive group of popular guys i know just walked in i could say hi but im sitting at a table with a laptop and a plate of food the size of asia i'm actually making a quote just so i look like i'm doing something, not just sitting here a loser. because i am sitting here like a loser one of them's walking over in my direction help abort mission abort mission ... ... he said hey and i was too socially awkward to admit i'm here alone so i said my friends are in the bathroom which they're not. because they don't exist. because they're not real. i can't just walk out now that'd be too obvious please tell me they're getting coffee to go or something JESUS THEY GOT A TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO MINE WHY IS MY LIFE THE WAY MY LIFE IS i need to leave right now before they realise i lied about the friends but i have a coffee and it's caramel flavoured and also i have a pie and some chocolate cake don't judge me, i eat like twelve grown men why do bad things happen to good people? maybe i could take the coffee and leave? ...no it's not takeaway so I'd get arrested for stealing the cup help help help help help i wish i could make TARDIS noises and disappear but no i'm not a time machine i wish i was a time machine. abort abort abort
Is it just me, or did we used to have normal-scented shampoos before? Everything was just strawberry, cinnamon, and citrus. Nice, normal things. Now I pick up a bottle of shampoo and it's all like: "DEW GATHERED BY MONKS FROM THE HIMALAYA MOUNTAINS MIXED WITH A ROOT OF AN ASNCLSCHBK PLANT THAT GROWS ONLY IN AN OBSCURE VILLIAGE IN AMAZONIA, WITH A DASH OF MAGICAL BERRIES FROM NARNIA TO GIVE YOU HAIR SOME VOLUME." AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT STILL SMELLS LIKE CITRUS TO ME.