i'm one of those people that can't let go.if i've had fun with you once, i will text you on your birthday for at least the next five years. if we were friends in elementary school and haven't talked since, i guarantee i still know your mom's name and your favorite food.my crushes never go away, they just fade. i still tell stories about great times with people i haven't seen in years. if you turn down my offer to get drinks and catch up ten times, i promise i will still ask an 11th time. if we fight and you block me, i will find a way to check in on you anyway to make sure you're okay. so if i give up on you, just know that you damn well deserved it.
I'm not sure what i want from you. A friendship? but i'm not even good at that. i would take at least 3 days to reply to your texts...a week for your calls. i don't want anything more than a friendship but i can't even handle that. i don't know what i want exactly. but i don't like how you're so indifferent. I don't know if you have kind feelings towards me or if you just find me annoying. maybe you just don't mind. i made a good first impression...i think. i made you laugh at least. you approached me first the second week and i was the one who stepped away. i regret that. you were more distant after that but lately you've either been mannerful or just not present. you don't have to like me. we don't have to be friends. for whatever reason, i just don't want you to not like me.
There was just nothing to look forward to, I couldn't think of anything worse than staying around. I'm at this point now where even if there's nothing particularly special to hang around for, I still have to wake up every morning and press on.
i hate that i used to think i had no emotions, just because fake things like sad films didn't make me cry i let everyone convince me that i had no feelings. obviously i knew they were existant but somewhere along the way i started telling myself "this isn't you" when i did start to feel sad or sensitive over something. and so my threshold grew a little larger each time. but it all comes out in bursts. on the bus back tears came, i didn't even know why. bottled up feelings are weird like that. i say i don't know the reason, it's becauses there's so many i can't pinpoint one. the main thing that's been getting to me lately is my closest friend's opinion on depression and suicide. we got on the topic somehow and she just brushed it off, saying "i thought it was sad at first but they should just pull through it". She's my closest friend, but she lost a lot of my respect after that. i really value respect. i can hate someone but have respect for them. She noticed i've been distant after that and i suspect that she suspects i have depression...lol. she's been checking up on me a lot and i hate it. i wish she never said any of that it makes me feel like i will never have anyone i can openly talk to about my mental health. i can't even joke about wanting to die anymore without being on her radar. ok rant over. depression isn't something i can get over. its not a trend ffs.