this is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. if i can overcome this i will love myself. maybe that's too much. i will at least have a newfound respect for myself. okay that's not true either. i respect myself already. hmm, i guess if i can overcome this, i will stop undermining myself a little less. if i can do this, then i may be able to do anything i set my mind to. if i can do this, then there's not much i can't do. but this is a double edged sword. if i can't do this. if i fail. i will hate myself. on a different scale. i'm afraid i'll hit a new rock bottom. i'll work hard for now. that's all i can do. in a month it will all be better or worse. but all i have is now.