I often
wonder how good of a granddaughter I was. It bothers me to the
point of tears sometimes. I don't know if I could have been
better but I think it's a possibility. Did I ever seem
moody when all you were doing was being kind? Were there times
I failed to smile at you, hug you as tightly as you hugged me,
appreciate any of the gifts you gave me on holidays? Did you
ever think I didn't want to be with you all those times I
turned down going to the bay house on weekends? Did I ever come
off as reluctant and unwelcoming when you spent the night and I
had to share my room? Did I ever sound disinterested or eager
to hand off the phone to Mom when you called and rambled good
naturedly? Did I ever comment with even a hint of criticism on
something you worked hard on or something that was an innate
part of you? Did I ever ruin your day, deeply upset you when I
did something mildly inconsiderate or childish? I remember the
last argument we ever had, when I had said in a melancholy tone
that I felt I had a boring life and no friends, and you got
frustrated and yelled and ranted that I was failing to see the
good things I have and that I wasn't going out of my way to
bring change, and I know this fiery indignation was because you
loved me and wanted me to be happy and hated that I felt so
down. All you ever did was help me and think about me and look
after me. Did I return the favor? Did my efforts match yours?
Did you always know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were an
amazing and irreplaceable part of my life, just as I knew I was
to yours? I keep telling myself if you did have any doubts they
must've surely been erased when you saw how I couldn't
hold back my tears when I looked at you in the hospital bed
that first time, or when I talked to you on the phone and said
I miss you through a sudden outburst of tears because I was
already thinking ahead to this time, when I would be without
you forever, or how I took off work without hesitation so I
could have more opportunities to visit you. But I don't
know if I'm just kidding myself. I wish I could find out
for sure. I wish I could get a sign right now that you know,
that you always knew. I hope I never failed you, and if I did I
hope you forgive me because I'm not good at forgiving
myself.
I'm so sorry Maw
Maw.
1
reply
Juz_Zum_Zombie · 6 years ago
1
reply
This straight up made me cry