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I often wonder how good of a granddaughter I was. It bothers me to the point of tears sometimes. I don't know if I could have been better but I think it's a possibility. Did I ever seem moody when all you were doing was being kind? Were there times I failed to smile at you, hug you as tightly as you hugged me, appreciate any of the gifts you gave me on holidays? Did you ever think I didn't want to be with you all those times I turned down going to the bay house on weekends? Did I ever come off as reluctant and unwelcoming when you spent the night and I had to share my room? Did I ever sound disinterested or eager to hand off the phone to Mom when you called and rambled good naturedly? Did I ever comment with even a hint of criticism on something you worked hard on or something that was an innate part of you? Did I ever ruin your day, deeply upset you when I did something mildly inconsiderate or childish? I remember the last argument we ever had, when I had said in a melancholy tone that I felt I had a boring life and no friends, and you got frustrated and yelled and ranted that I was failing to see the good things I have and that I wasn't going out of my way to bring change, and I know this fiery indignation was because you loved me and wanted me to be happy and hated that I felt so down. All you ever did was help me and think about me and look after me. Did I return the favor? Did my efforts match yours? Did you always know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were an amazing and irreplaceable part of my life, just as I knew I was to yours? I keep telling myself if you did have any doubts they must've surely been erased when you saw how I couldn't hold back my tears when I looked at you in the hospital bed that first time, or when I talked to you on the phone and said I miss you through a sudden outburst of tears because I was already thinking ahead to this time, when I would be without you forever, or how I took off work without hesitation so I could have more opportunities to visit you. But I don't know if I'm just kidding myself. I wish I could find out for sure. I wish I could get a sign right now that you know, that you always knew. I hope I never failed you, and if I did I hope you forgive me because I'm not good at forgiving myself.

I'm so sorry Maw Maw.

 

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I often wonder how good of a granddaughter I was. It bothers

4 faves · 2 comments · Oct 21, 2017 7:00pm

Bailey*

by

Bailey*


tags

love · sad · mawmaw · quote

Juz_Zum_Zombie · 9 months ago
This straight up made me cry
thumbs up 1 thumbs down reply

Bailey* · 9 months ago
I take it as a compliment that my thoughts reached you in that way. Bless you. 💔
thumbs up 1 thumbs down reply

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