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I remember the day we met, in early October of 2016. God forbid I ever forget such a life-changing day. You came straight over to where I was sitting on the rug when your mom brought you in; you were too fascinated by my unfamiliar presence to cry for her. Instead, you stopped a few feet in front of me and I rolled a rubber ball to you, to show you I was friendly and open to play. You instantly rolled it back, smiling, and we had a game going. How many new little faces did I meet that didn't require at least five minutes of soft reassurances before hesitant curiosity gave way to uncontained giddiness? You were something special, and I could already feel my heart expanding to accommodate this tiny two year old inside every one of its chambers. The way you immediately trusted me makes me think maybe you knew all along that I was someone who would love you. And love you I did. Each day after that, while I was in that classroom, I would pick you up and hold you to me as you sobbed for mommy (your teachers ignored it, knowing you'd tire with the lack of attention, but my heart ached to see you like that and I couldn't do the same), and when the tears subsided you would still sit on my folded legs, wet face against my chest, clutching me; you often kept your head down and instead of those big innocent brown eyes I stared at fringes of criminally long, beautiful black lashes. You would never move from my embrace until you were made to. I guess you thought I was your guardian teddy bear, but I didn't mind at all. On the playground you were never far from my side. Admittedly, I often approached you, but you were happy with the attention and I embraced my little shadow. It got to the point where a teacher chastised me for spending so much time with you exclusively, but I wasn't phased. You liked wagon rides and being chased as you rode a tricycle and when I spun in circles with you in my arms. Your laughter was the sweetest sound I've ever heard. I loved creating it. As time went by you began running straight to me when I came into your room or through the gate on the playground, or else making cheeky faces at me until I ran to you and scooped you up. Sometimes you were shy, keeping your distance while eyeing me longingly until I knelt and opened my arms, and then the reservation would fall away and you all but jumped on me. These are the memories of our too-short time together that I'll keep forever. They hurt terribly to look back on – not because they themselves were painful, but because the accompanying realization that we can't make any more of them is – but I don't wish them away for the world. I love you so much, sweet boy; I did from that very first encounter, when we'd won each other over so easily. I hope I did well enough at showing you that love, every second of every minute of every day that I was with you. You made this job worth it, and I would gladly trade all the money I've made doing it for a chance to see you again. You came into my life at a lonely, confusing time when I desperately needed clarity and a sense of belonging, and you gave me just that and made all the uncertainty about my future fall away. You made me sure that, at least for now, I am doing the right thing. I truly believe you are an angel, in all senses of the word. I think of you every day, I pray for you every night. At a period when everything seems to be changing, and not always for the better, thank you for giving me something that will stay with me forever. 

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I remember the day we met, in early October of 2016. God forbid

5 faves · 3 comments · Aug 15, 2017 2:36pm

seafoam*

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seafoam*


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love · friendship · inspirational · arthur · quote

LettingSecretsGo · 6 years ago
Oh my goodness this is so sweet. I've been a preschool teacher for three years so I know the kinds of connections that you can build with children. What happened to this little boy, if you don't mind me asking.
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seafoam* · 6 years ago
And it probably goes without saying that I was even fonder of the boy than I was of his sisters. He held/holds a very special place in my heart, as we spent the most time together (and funny enough, he was the last of the four that I met). We clicked instantly, I don't know what it was.
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seafoam* · 6 years ago
His parents were not good together but they kept gravitating back to each other, and when they were together they'd constantly have verbal fights that sometimes turned physical. As a result, they weren't very attentive and the kids (he has three sisters) often got hurt, either because they unwittingly got in the middle of the scuffle or because they were doing their own thing, left to their own devices. They'd come in on different occasions with dirty hair, diaper rash, a bladder infection, superficial cuts and bruises (the boy once had to get stitches for a deeper forehead wound), and hungry for food and loving attention. They just weren't provided with proper amounts of what they needed. Over the Christmas break last year their parents got in one of their frequent disagreements; this time it was loud enough for a neighbor to hear and be concerned enough to call child services, as they knew four small children lived in the house. So, their mother took them and fled to an adjacent town where a family member lives, and they were pulled out of the school I work at. It was very sudden and unexpected. I had such a hard time after hearing what happened because I loved them so much and had been so touched by their sweet personalities and the sad story of their home life. It's still so hard to let go, to accept I will likely never see them again. I have gotten better at not letting it strongly affect me daily, but it still hurts. I still get emotional sometimes. I still think about them and pray for them multiple times every single day. I know I have no control over what happens to them, that they're not my responsibility and that it wasn't "professional" to get attached, but that hasn't stopped my heart from breaking and my mind from worrying, you know? They meant so much to me; we needed each other for different but fundamentally similar reasons and I will never, can never, forget them. I'm thankful for my memories and photographs but I long for more. This has really shown me children don't have to come from your womb to feel wholly yours.
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