1:03am
every facet of my head hurts--my mind, my jaw, my ears, my
eyes are on fire. my stomach is churning. i'm hunched
over, sitting on a chair in my kitchen, staring at the
medicine cabinet. i just want it to stop.
1:47am
i am holding a bottle of pills. my hand is shaking, causing
the capsules to rattle. my face is contorted, my eyebrows are
permanently furrowed. the fan above me creates a buzzing
noise that blocks out any voice of reason i could be
hearing.
2:28am
the bottle is on the floor, the cap is broken off. all the
pills are gone. my shaking has gotten worse. i've started
sweating, and drops of it sting my eyes. they blur my vision.
i don't care. i feel like i'm going to lose
everything i've eaten today. i pound my fist on my thigh,
and the bruises that are already there scream. i grit my
teeth.
3:52am
my jaw aches worse than ever. my abdomen is sore. i'm
gasping curses on myself. i've thrown up four times. i
might pass out if i do it again. there was a time i
would've died rather than vomit. i wish i was dead.
wasn't that the whole point?
5:00am
i am asleep on the bathroom floor. my toothbrush is laying on
the side of the sink, next to an open tube of toothpaste. my
dreams are black.
5:57am
i cough myself awake. my skin looks dead. my toes are numb.
my throat is raw. i take a shallow breath and stand up. my
legs are wobbly. my body aches from sleeping on the hard
tile. i force myself to take a shower. i try not to look at
myself in the mirror.
6:30am
my back is against my matress. judy garland is playing from
my ipod. her voice soothes me. i unclench my fists. i will be
okay. i will be okay. i will be
okay.
