i miss my confidence as a
little girl.
i
miss being able to be myself around the boys i had crushes on
without fear. i miss being able to openly admit that i liked
them. then along came the anxiety and the rude, gross boys who
weren't worth it. those two problems mixed together were the
perfect concoction of triggers that ruined my self esteem.
i hate hearing my heart beat through my chest when i'm around
that special boy because i pray so badly not to fnck up, i hate
not being my friendly self and acting aggressive and standoffish
so they don't get the idea that i like them. i hate not being
able to make eye contact, to ask them simple questions, to feel
my stomach churn like crazy when i merely hear them mention
another girl's name, i hate when my friends try to help me
out by asking him how he feels about me and literally feeling
like vomiting because i was deceived into thinking the answer was
always going to be bad, all because my anxiety overpowered me and
tried to let my past become my future.
i hate crying pools of tears when i find out they don't feel
the same and producing pools of sweat the next day when i have to
see them and avoid eye contact with them and pretend my whole
body isn't weak and shaky and my soul hasn't rotted and
he's looking at me differently because he knows about my
feelings and i'm left embarrassed, degraded, vulnerable and
belittled, all because i admired someone, all because he had
pretty eyes or because he was funny or because he was really good
at baseball and i didn't measure up to his standards and due
to the voices at school i thought i was the ugliest thing in the
world and i'd never have a boy want me.
i hate continuing to feel so insecure when i find out a boy does
like me and feeling like it's all a sick joke and once he
sees the real side of me he'll leave due to several past
experiences that left me aching for months, even years. i hate
having that feeling in my stomach when they text back too late or
give one word responses or i see him with another girl, feeling
like i have no control, there's never a good side because
i'm either overthinking and making them feel bad for me or
they're making me feel bad and i'm being overdramatic,
all because i was told so many times that i was ugly, that i
wasn't worth it, that i'd never find a boy who i liked
and liked me too.
but i have to overcome, because my faith is my fortune. if i keep
focusing on my past i'll get more of it. i have to put myself
out there and not be afraid, and remind myself that if things
don't work out it isn't my fault. i am still strong,
smart and beautiful no matter what that boy thinks, and as a
bonus, i am brave for going against traditional gender roles and
going after what i want instead of just waiting around for it. it
won't be easy and some of these scars will never fade, but
i'll always be growing.
