Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio
apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good
day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf
course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into
Yale”
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy
eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for
weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice
of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out
lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about
you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the
world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not
mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the
problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of
adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from
college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize
for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to
live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn
bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day.”
Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries, took the bus home,
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Oct 26, 2014 5:55am