I
Don’t Want You To Know Me
STEPHANIE MARTIN
I don’t want you to know that I hate chicken but secretly
love chicken nuggets. I don’t want you to know that I am a
sum of contradictions and hallucinations, and that I write stories
in my head that never stand the chance to meet ink or paper.
I don’t want you to know that I carry the weight of wanting
to be something extraordinary, but am too fearful to move
forward.
I don’t want you to know that I play music but never consider
myself a musician. I don’t want you to know that I stopped
playing music because it reminded me of being with him; that my
words were once only meant for his ears. And no, I don’t want
that. I don’t want you to know that I stay up late at night
thinking about you, or that I have to actively stop myself from
thinking too much about the way you make me feel. I don’t
want you to know that you scare me, because I don’t want to
fall back into the hole of self loathing and dark thoughts. I know
you have the ability to do that to me, and no, I really don’t
want that. I don’t want to feel unworthy of your time,
because I barely think I am worthy of anyone else’s either. I
don’t want to feel guilty for laughing, because my mind has
tricked me into thinking laugher is as fleeting as the people that
come and go in my life. I don’t want to over analysis every
word, or live in a constant state of self depreciation. But I am,
and I have, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to
explain why I am this way, or why there is a dark cloud that always
looms over my thoughts. I don’t want to tell you that that
they have the ability to taint every colorful memory, even that
time we kissed; I can already feel the color draining from that
perfect moment, and I don’t want that. But most of all, I
don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to be left with
my thoughts alone. I don’t want to sit in my room at 2am and
cry over my illness and madness. I don’t want to hate myself
for never telling you how beautiful your laugh is. I don’t
want to have missed the chance of holding your steady hand, and I
sure as hell don’t want anyone to do that with you. Because I
want you, and every ounce of you.
I Don’t Want You To Know Me STEPHANIE MARTIN I don’t
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Nov 26, 2013 7:21pm
