i met her when i was thirteen. of course, at the time, i didn't know she was a
girl. i was under the impression she was a guy and her name was nick.
we met on the internet but soon texted and talked on the phone, (yes,
everyone asks how i couldn't tell by her voice on the phone, and honestly,
idk) and eventually we dated. we dated for eight months before her
step-brother saw what was going on and told me the truth; that my boyfriend
was actually a girl. after that we broke up, but not for long. we dated and
broke up a few times, telling my parents she was a guy i met at school when
they would ask who i was talking to. they weren't fooled for long and
once they found out they forced us to break up and told us we couldn't
talk to each other anymore. over the course of a few years she would get
ahold of me some how--sometimes, i would talk to her and other times
i would tell her i couldn't. in reality, i did want to talk to her--but i
was ashamed of everything that happened. i felt terrible for lying to
my parents and felt like i was doing something wrong by talking to her.
soon came the day when she contacted me for the last time. i had liked
talking to her once again but soon i gave into my guilt and told my mom
she had gotten ahold of me again. my mom though i didn't want bothered with
her, since i had been too ashamed to ever tell her differently, and thought
she was doing the best she could do for me by calling the cops and
asking them to have elizabeth stop contacting me. the whole time, i
never objected. inside, i felt like shxxt. she had no idea. when we had
spoken, i acted like i enjoyed talking to her--and now, all of a sudden she'll
be told if she talks to me again they could get her with harrassment.
after that, she didn't try to speak to me again. i didn't try to to her, either.
once in a while i would try to check up on her online, through myspace,
facebook, etc. just to see how she was doing. i wondered if we'd ever
talk again, and if she'd ever forgive me. but we'd never get the chance. a
couple years later i looked her up on facebook only to find a page in her
memory. she had killed herself. the feeling that i felt when it sunk in was
terrible. i felt like the ground had just opened up and swallowed me.
i had sunk to the ground with the wall to my back and cried. she'll
be gone for three years in august. i don't know if i thought by writing this
i would feel as though she forgives me or what, but here it is. if i
could say anything to her right now, i would tell her i'm sorry. i love her,
and i wish she had another chance to live her life. i wish she could have
seen the amazing person she was.