Dear Mother,
Remember when you used to dress me up and
I wouldn't even complain? Remember how good it felt when I
went to sleep early, and woke up and got ready for school without
hassles? Remember when I used to cry at the small things, and not
over boys? I'm not like that anymore. I wish I could be...
but I'm not. I'm growing out of the little girl you
raised up and loved. I wish I didn't have to... but I do. I
have to grow up. When I was younger, I used to dream about being
"grown-up" and being like the older girls. But now I
regret it. Now I wish I was a little girl again. That little girl
that had no homework to worry about, no boys, no period mood
swings, no future to wonder about. That little girl that ate
chocolate without thinking of what it would do to her body. I
want to be that little girl again, but I can't.
Now it's all about insecurities and disappointed feelings and
regrets. Now I can't go anywhere without feeling slightly
self-conscious. I can't do pretty much anything in front of
boys without being disrespected by them. You see, mum, I have
this fear. This fear of if I wake up one day and well...
everything is gone. I'm afraid of life, mother. I'm
afraid of what'll happen after life. I'm afraid of being
hurt, of letting people in, of falling in love and staying in
love. I'm afraid of creating my own family... Am I a good
role-model mum? Do you think I deserve to be happy?
It doesn't take a genius to understand that nobody is
perfect. Yes, mother, I made mistakes and I still do. Sometimes
it feels as if I'm not good enough, for you or for anybody
else. I feel like you're not proud of me, and that you expect
more from me. I feel as if you'd rather have another daughter
instead of me, considering the amount of times you've
compared me to other girls out there. Don't you see how much
it hurts me mama? It hurts me so much when you compare me with
other people. It hurts me when you cry but it hurts even more
when I'm the reason.
I wish I could make you proud.
And one day mama, I will. I will make you proud. I'll make
you proud of me; proud of being my mother. I'll make you
happy, and I'll make you smile. I won't let you down.
But for now, please let me figure out who I am. I never want to
disappoint you, of course not, but I don't want to disappoint
myself either. I want to be happy. That's all I want. But I
want you to be happy too, mum. I know I'm not that little
girl you and I both wish I still was, but I've grown and
I've learned. I've made mistakes but I have learned mama.
I hope that one day, I'll make you proud. I want you to be
proud of me.
♥♥♥♥
I love you mother, despite our arguments and our fights. Despite
how many times I've (regrettably) wished you weren't my
mum. Despite how many times I've cried because of you, and
how I felt like I wasn't close enough to you. I still love
you and I always will. If I made you upset, well, mama....
I'm truly sorry.
Love, your daughter.
LifeHunter · 1 decade ago
<3 deep
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