Youre sitting at your desk and you know its time to go. Youve said
that to yourself over a million times but this time you know for
sure is real. Youre tired… youre just so very tired. Youre
parents p.issed you off like school wasnt bad enough today. You go
to get the rope or the knife or the gun or whatever you choose to
use because youre that desperate to leave. Youre ready. You think
of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins.
No ones home, its the perfect time. Youre ready. If you dont do it
now, youre gonna look down on yourself even more forever. Youre
going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will
know… until later on. Instead of getting a paper and a pen
you get the video camera along with a chair. Youre standing on the
chair. You decided to go with the rope… youre gone instantly
and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top
of your fan while the other is already around your neck. Youre in
tears, you know its for real this time. You can feel it. You turn
on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon
your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words. “Mom and dad,
Im sorry. I dont know why Im sorry but Im sorry. I cant do this
anymore. I dont even know who I am anymore. Ive lost myself and I
seem to not find my way back. Please dont blame yourself, please. I
love you both, please tell my sister. Stay strong, and stay save.
Ill see you all soon.” You say sorry to your best friend
because you know you wont be there for him anymore especially when
he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could
think of… even yourself. Youre sorry for not being strong
anymore. Youre sorry for breaking down. Youre sorry for putting
them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at
the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair
now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote
control to turn off the camera in your right hand. Your pointer
finger on the off button already. You clicked that button and as
soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now
off the chair… the chair is on the floor… the room is
filled with silence. Youre dead. Youre gone. There is no going
back. Everything is over. You dont have to live in pain
anymore… but everyone else will. What are your parents going
to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What
are they going to do? Youre gone. Youre dead. There is no going
back. You ended your life because the person of your dreams only
likes you asa friend. You ended your life because that one teacher
was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knew
youre the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents
are home now. They call your name telling you their home, just like
they normally do whenever they get home…. but somethings
different. You dont answer. They dont hear your voice. They get
worried… you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your
sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams
at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your little
sister comes up after her. She screams “DADDY HELP!!!!”
She runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up.
“WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP”. But you dont
answer, youre not waking up. Youre gone. Youre dead. There is no
waking up. Theres no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs
and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back
and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the
chair. But he doesnt move. Hes stiff as a board. He cries….
Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can
barely get the words “My daughter committed suicide”
out of his mouth. Hes in tears. Your little sister stares at your
dad. Your dad hangs up and your little sister jumps into your
daddys arms, crying harder than ever. Shes too young to understand
completely, but she knows youre gone. She knows youre dead. There
is no going back. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They
push your dad and sister out of your room and sit them in the
living room. They take your body down off those ropes and lay you
on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go… just
like that. Youre gone. Youre dead. Theres no going back. Nothing is
the same. Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the
window more than half of the day. Your little sister still hasnt
returned to school. Your dad is forced to go to work so he can pay
all the bills for your wake and funeral. Eventually, they found to
strength to go into your room. Your door hasnt been open for
months. The rope is still laying on the floor and the video camera
is still sitting on the table. They dont even dare to watch the
video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and
throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine, your mom
basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat…
like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your
bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it
remained shut. Your school is still in distress. You thought no one
cared and you thought no one noticed you. The girl that said no to
being your lab partner, yeah she cuts every single night now
because she thinks its her fault you died. The boy that tripped you
by accident and didnt say sorry, yeah hes in suicidal therapy 5
days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved
your life and he didnt give that to you. The teacher that was hard
on you that day, she quit her job because she felt she wasnt suited
to teach anymore. Youre gone. Youre dead. Theres no going back. 4
years have passed. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She
started a club in her school dedicated to you.
“Secrets” is what he calls it. The club is formed for
kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can
say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to.
If they were suicidal, they always had someone. That was your
problem. You didnt want to talk to anyone. You had everything
bottled up inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest kid
on the planet and you had the perfect life. You played that
character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be
so “happy” and as soon as you layed in bed at night,
the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents
could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled
up for years, it hit your limits. Youre gone. Youre dead. Theres no
going back. Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries
every single night. Your dad isnt as strong as he used to be. Your
little sister will never grow up with you by her side moving her in
the right direction. Your best friend is still torn up. Your school
now has a club dedicated to you so teens will not make the same
mistake you did. Your life was precious and you took it away in the
blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, thats all you needed.
But since youre gone, just know people cared. People always have
cared. You were just way too upset to see that. You were just too
caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared… when
the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought
they would. Your town will never be the same. A girl is gone, a
special girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise
you. They care, they always have cared. We loved you, and no matter
what, we will still always love you. Depression Hotline:
16304829696 Suicide Hotline: 18007848433
CaseyIsTotallyAwesome · 1 decade ago
I love you, Mel
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