i am
honestly sick of this shell i'm in and every
association this 'shell' has ever formed with anything or
anyone around. i never feel anything other than pure lethargy,
dread and trepidation. i have no idea why i'm always this
tired, i have no idea why i'm dreading the things which are
supposed to be good; probably because i am too accustomed to the
status quo. fear births from this dread – the fear
of the unknown, the fear of having no control over the situations
i'm going to be placed in, and most importantly the fear of not
having a voice to take a stand.
i see no purpose in
anything because everything's just disappointing and pegged
with fears of the unknown. it's so cowardly and pessimistic
that i'm being like this but i am losing my zest for
literally everything.
my mind is running
free and unrestrained and it's making me constantly sick at
the thought of anything. i feel tired but can never fall asleep
or get a good rest because my mind never goes blank even for a
second, something is always running through my head. and when i
do sleep, the dreams i get are never pleasant. everything i ever
dream of are just horrible worse-case
scenarios.
it's tiring to
appear happy, carefree and confident as i keep up in school and
when talking to people. i've to constantly remind myself to
not appear as a dead, perpetually grim person because that just
scares people away, but at times i just feel that all the better
because people are hard to interact with while having to put up a
front.
my shell's
disgusting, and a sum of mistakes that will not stop haunting me.
i want out.
