Why do I do this to
myself? I get more pleasure out of hitting the self destruct button
than being genuinely happy. maybe thats because i havent been happy
with a boy since i was with him. i dont stop him when he reaches
out for me. i let him touch me. and i do the same. its like a drug.
i need it to keep going but hes not the one i really want. hes a
figure ive created to keep me from jumping off the deep end because
i know that i would. he makes my emotions flare and boil and makes
me so angry until i see him. but all the while i'm thinking of
a different boy. one that i knew a long time ago. one that could
make me laugh until i cried and make me feel love like never
before. but this boy doesnt exist anymore. this boy changed,
shifted into someone else. i don't know him anymore and he
doesnt know me. im missing someone from the past not the present.
and no matter how much i long for him i will never get him back.
not because he doesnt want to come back, but because he cant. i
cant bring him back no matter how hard i remember, no matter how
hard i try.
Why do I do this to myself? I get more pleasure out of hitting
