When I wake up I know exactly what to do that day, I'll put on a fake smile that even I don't recognize and say "I'm fine." when people ask if I'm okay. It's not like they will even notice that my smile isn't real and I'm sure that they won't be able to see the look in my eyes. However, as soon as I'm alone, I'll quickly make my way to my bed, I'll take a deep breath or two and turn on my radio, just incase I cry or make some other type of sound. I'll make my hand stop shaking, I'll roll up my sleeves. As soon as everything's ready I'll carefully watch as the cuts steadily spread up and down my arms. I'll check the scars and the old cuts as I watch the new ones bleed. Everyone thinks it hurts but I guess the reason I don't feel it is because when you feel pain enough you become numb to it. As I see the blood I'll start to feel okay again. I'll breathe again while I feel the pain fade away. Even though the cuts leave scars I know I was truly okay already and that if someone had asked me then I would have been telling the truth when I answered. My life WAS stress-free and the familiar pain wasn't there. Life was okay for a second. I watch the blood flow just like all the times before. I know that this friend won't leave me, not like all the other ones. As I slowly and carefully slip my safety pin into my pocket I realize this is the same process I'll repeat the next time my emotions get to hard to handle. Once again I'll feel ok when I know I'm in control again cause this is the one thing I control & I won't have to pretend & I won't have to lie because I'll be stress-free and my heartache will be gone even if just for a few minutes. The pain I've held back and let build up will be gone. Until then I put my hoodie back on and wrap my wrist so no one will see exactly what I did to me. After all, no one really cares what's behind the smile that they all know isn't real and no one dares ask about what's behind the fake look of happiness in my eyes