First you worry about not being able to feel anything. Live your life feeling numb. Like you're not normal, like you're missing out on something. Emotions caged up. You can control your facial expressions. No one would know you're sad. Because you'd trained yourself, you'd gotten so good at keeping what you wanted to hide, hidden. But somehow, almost all at once. You can't control it. When you're sad, your jaw feels heavy. Your eyes tear up when you don't want them too. You can manage a blank face, sometimes a forced smile. But your eyes give it away somehow. You can be smiling wide, but they'd know something is off. They'd try comforting you, but their comfort hurts. It always feels like manipulation. You just want to be alone. You don't need to hide your turbulent feelings when you're all alone. But then you get lonely. When you're lonely it sucks. Because then you can cry. Sob even, that's what showers and pillows are for after all.
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