When I kept my expression coolly aloof, you'd complain that I wasn't happy enough, that being around my lack of emotion was draining all of yours. When I cried openly in front of you, you were disgusted that anyone could be so full of drama and promptly ran for the safer shelter of someone else's company until I ‘got over myself’. When I laughed freely and truly, tears of mirth streaking down my face and my breaths coming in short hysterical gasps because what had caused the gleeful outburst was just too funny for a quiet giggle to do it justice, you voiced your opinion that the sound was too loud, too ugly, too much like some wild animal. And that was the problem: you didn't let me feel what I wanted to feel, in the way that I wanted to feel it. My emotions weren't valid unless they were the ones you wanted to see in that moment. I think sometimes you didn't even view me as a human, but as a robot whose buttons you could press to get a particular output. You tried to polish me to a flawless shine, but found that my metal was too rusted. You tried to reprogram my wires, but your nerves frayed from one too many shocks. In the end you realized I was equipped with my own defenses and would only outsmart you, so you dismantled me and fled. I was left to clumsily reassemble my parts and pieces in the junkyard of my heart. I won't be in mint condition for the next person whose hands I fall into, but I won't be seen as scraps to be repaired, either. I'll be recognized as a beating heart, an independent mind, a warm body of soft flesh that collapses under too much pressure and builds itself back up; something sentient and perfectly functioning as is. I am not a machine in need of oil for my creaking hinges, the dents in my armor do not need to be glossed over. What needs reconstruction is the way you treat those you claim to love.
And if you feel you're sinking, I will jump right over into cold, cold water for you. And although time may take us into different places, I will still be patient with you. And I hope you know I won't let go, I'll be your lifeline tonight. Image is from weheartit, photographer unknown.
it's been six weeks since I last saw you but this week you'll be with me for a very short time only to leave me again and I tried to get over this feeling of needing you while you don't need me I text my ex boyfriend and cancel the date last minute accepting that at least for now my heart is stuck with you so I google "how to be so good in bed so he won't leave" I get tips on how to give head not how to get in his head it will always be like this because my brain is a nomad but my heart settled while you are not that into me so I'll play the part of being available always and smiling for the scraps you give until your or my heart decide to change