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Quotes added on Thursday, January 15 2015

  1. Crazy_Beautiful202 Crazy_Beautiful202
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:02am EST
    .....
    How many times did I find myself on his bathroom floor cowering beneath him, feeling the hot spit land on me as he screamed? Stop crying like a baby. You're crazy. No one else would put up with you. How many times did I shudder on that floor counting my breaths, bringing myself back from the brink of suffocation during a panic attack that was triggered by one of these maniacal and regular assults? But he never hit me.
    How many hours did I remain on that bathroom floor after he had gone to bed, my eyes red with burst blood vessels? How many times did I hear the sound of his snores and realize he had fallen asleep, no more than a meter away, to the sound of me hyperventilating while still in the throes of that panic attack? How many times did I whisper aloud, "How did I get here? How did I become this girl?" How many times did I tell myself to get up, call a cab and walk out the front door? How many times did I get up and look in that mirror and fail to recognize myself? How much hate could I have for the broken girl staring back at me? But he never hit me.
    How many times did I crawl into that bed, rather than into a cab, and wake up with his arms around me, telling me that I brought it out in him? He wasn't like this. I made him like this. I needed to change the way I approached him about these things. Be less accusatory. If I just softened my approach, it would allow him to react differently. How many times did I adjust my approach before I realized the only way to avoid the abuse was not to bring it up at all? But he never hit me.
    How many emails and text messages did I find? How many parties did we attend knowing that one of the women was there? I learned quickly not to address it so that "I" wouldn't ruin a perfectly nice evening. When his family member asked me if a lipstick she had found under the couch was mine, I threw it away and said nothing more of it. Neither did she. Another humiliation taken in silence. But he never hit me.
    How many times did he tell me he was going to sleep, out for dinner with a client, couldn't hear his phone, but actually taking out another woman? How many times did he ignore my calls and call the next morning telling me nothing had happened? It was sadistic. I could see how much he enjoyed being that powerful. How many defamatory lies did he concoct and propagate to my colleagues and friends when I walked away from him? How many times did he smear my reputation? How many times did I go back, believing every promise that he was a new man, believing every half-hearted apology? But he never hit me.
    How many times did a friend pick me up because he had kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night for questioning him about one of the women? How many times did I go back before those friends had had enough. How many times did I defend him and justify his behavior when I told a friend about what he had done? When did I stop telling altogether to avoid the shame of the insanity of the circumstances I was somehow in -- The shame of being a strong independent woman who couldn't take care of herself enough to leave a situation that was so toxic? When did I stop expecting more? But he never hit me.
    How could I explain to someone that believed it was partly my fault, even though I was embarrassed to hear those beaten woman's words spoken from my lips. No one really understood. No one knew him like I did. It was my job to protect him from the truth of what he did to me. I couldn't let them think he was a monster. I wouldn't tell anyone. I was entirely alone. But he never hit me.
    My solitude meant that I could no longer see the reflection in other people's eyes indicating what was normal. I could only see the reflection in his eyes and began to believe what he told me about myself. I began to believe his irrational explanations despite my own heart and eyes. I let him define reality. I became isolated. It became easier to cut off my support networks completely than to have to lie about everything. Than to face the humiliation of my reality. A part of me knew that once they knew the extent of what was happening, they would force me to get out for good. I knew I would always need to even in the worst of times. But he never hit me.
    I set a benchmark. The red line I wouldn't cross. The minute he hit me, I would leave. But the truth is, I know I wouldn't have left then either. I would have rationalized that in hitting me, he would realize how out of hand things were. Everything would change now. I wouldn't have left. By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger and jealousy or sadness and simply couldn't control himself.
    When it was over, I wasn't permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addiction to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies on a rainy sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?
    There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I'm learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.
    .....

  2. anonomously anonomously
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:04am EST
    Do you.
    sometimes wonder
    if i think about you
    because i do
    ------------ everyday of my life -----------

  3. anonomously anonomously
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:08am EST
    sometimes i think
    about how it used to be
    when we were younger
    and we didn't care about anything else

  4. anonomously anonomously
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:21am EST
    And somewhere along the way
    you found your way into my heart
    Format by Breeze
    this quote is also on another account of mine
    disneyromantic

  5. ncgirl5252 ncgirl5252
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:22am EST
    Please, let me get out.

  6. ncgirl5252 ncgirl5252
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:27am EST
    Still hiding under a mountain
    of expectations built too high

  7. pale pale
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:39am EST
    YOUR HANDS WERE AROUND MY NECK
    AS YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME

  8. pale pale
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:40am EST
    MAYBE THE WORDS I SHOULD'VE SAID
    WERE THE ONES THAT WOULD'VE MADE HER
    STAY

  9. *Yours Truly* *Yours Truly*
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 12:57am EST
    And I think there is something broken inside of me.
    I am just struggling to find it.

  10. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:02am EST
    Spooning? More like let's see how
    much "accidental" booty wiggling it
    takes to get him hard.

  11. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:06am EST
    I can't wait to live in a cute lil apartment
    with the person I love and take bubble baths
    with them and play video games in our under-
    wear and bake cookes with them and go on
    road trips with them and keep them safe and
    happy and just have a someone who's like a
    bestfriend.

  12. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:07am EST
    Sometimes things just don't work out.
    And I'm alright with that.

  13. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:08am EST
    If my absence doesn't affect your life then my presence has no meaning in it.

  14. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:09am EST
    Pro and cons of boys:
    Con: they're dicks
    Pro: their dicks

  15. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:15am EST
    I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning.

  16. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:16am EST
    man idgaf what nobody say
    it's easy to be faithful

  17. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:20am EST
    "We almost made it.
    I almost called you "mine,"
    And you almost called me "yours."
    I think we almost loved each other.
    But the only thing I was sure abot is
    that almost wasn't good enough.

  18. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:21am EST
    There's some people in this world
    who you can just love and love and
    love no matter what. ♥

  19. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:24am EST
    I babysit for a girl who use to think her mom's name
    was "my love" because her dad said it so often to her
    and that's just freaking cute I can't.
    ♥♥♥

  20. HelloKittyy11 HelloKittyy11
    posted a quote
    January 15, 2015 1:26am EST
    I HATE BOYS
    THEY'RE SO USELESS
    AND HEARTLESS
    I HATE THEM SO MUCH
    wait
    Nvm
    He answered

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