I never knew how much things could change in 6 months.
On March 4th, 2011 my dad committed suicide in my own home. The funny part is, until I got home at midnight that night, that was one of the best days of my life. I came home that day on the bus. When I walked in the door, I met my dad who smiled at me and said, "Hey, sweetie." (I wasn't always the biggest fan of my dad due to his alcohol and prescription drug addictions and how he would treat me and my family when he was drunk or high.) so I casually said "Hey dad." thinking nothing of his big warm smile. I'd always hoped my dad would get better. He was in and out of rehab many times and I just wanted him to be the nice loving dad I always knew before his addictions took over his life. He was supposed to get on a plane to go to rehab in Florida that night for three months so he couldn't just leave whenever he wanted like he'd previously done with local rehabs. We found out later that he was denied a plane ticket and he couldn't be helped. Later that day in the car with my mom we were talking. Her and my dad sure didn't get along but were only staying together until we graduated high school. They really did love each other though, even if it was hard to tell. Well I told my mom that I wasn't sure I wanted to have a relationship with my dad when I was older. So after that my mom dropped me off at my friends house with the rest of my basketball team to get ready to watch the varsity girls team go kick some butt in the state championships. We all went to the game and after they won we all went out for a celebratory dinner because my older sister was on the team. We got home around midnight and I ran back down to the car because I forgot something. My oldest sister was greeted at the door by all of my pets and she knew something was wrong. All of a sudden I hear my mom say, "Girls. Get back down to the car." even though we hear the panic in her voice we ask why? And then those words came out of her mouth that made my world come crashing down.
"I think your dad is dead."
Well we go back down to the car while my mom calls 911 and I can remember sitting in the car with my sisters saying "If he's not really dead, He's gonna be dead by the time I get done with him." Of course I hadn't known what happened yet, and we were saying it to try to make eachother feel a little but better. There had been multiple times when we thought our dad was dead. Especially after his first seizure. I remember just praying to God he was okay, and he wasn't really dead. Soon after, the police arrived and found my dad hanging off the banister, from a blanket wrapped around his neck. He was really dead. When my mom came out and told us I can just remember me and my sisters trying to calm eachother down, telling eachother we'd be alright. I was surprised how calm we could be at a time like this. I know it's terrible but with the path my dad was taking I think we were kind of expecting it sooner or later. We sat in that car for about 2 hours while my mom was talking to the police and they took pictures of the crime scene and removed my dad. Finally, my mom got in the car and we drove to the only other place we could go. My Grams house(my moms mom). All I can remember is us walking in and her giving me the biggest hug, then sitting down on her couch, trying to take it all in and watch tv or something. I started shaking and running a fever. I was in shock. Usually you're supposed to go to the hospital because you can die from shock, well I didn't;t I passed out later on my grams couch until morning. The next morning I couldn't believe it. That day was the longest day of my life. I remember things spreading around on facebook and everyone giving me their condolences or asking what happened. I remember trying to explain to my friends what had happened while bawling my eyes out. More people than I could of imagined came to the wake. Almost everyone I had met in my whole entire life was there. Some of them didn't even know my dad, they were there for us which meant the world to me. People from school I hardly knew were coming. People I didn't even know were there. I never knew how much people cared and how kind they could be. Strangers helped me get through the hardest part of my life. The next day at the funeral, after saying our goodbyes at the funeral home, I got in the car and it was raining. I have never cried so much in my life than that day. In the car, when we were at the cemetery. All I could think is how could he do this to us? Still to this day I wonder, Did he do it because he thought we didn't love him? Or was it because he loved us too much to put us through that anymore. But all I have to say is if there was anything I could do in this whole entire world, and go back to anyday I wanted to, I'd go back to that friday night I spent at that basketball game and stay with my dad and talk to him. Tell him that I loved him and everything would be alright. I'd stay up with him all night if I had to. I love you dad and I wish I got to know you better and spend more time with you. I wish you could be there to meet my boyfriends you said you;d kill if they hurt me, and to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, and have that special father daughter dance, I'm sad you won't be there when I graduate high school, or college.. I'm sad you wont get to meet your grandkids cause you were always so good with kids. I'm sad I won't get to see you everyday, or talk to you everyday. Even though my life is a lot easier now, If I had one wish, just one wish, it would be to have you back.
I love you daddy.
♥ ,
sweetpea
thanks for letting me vent to you witty(:
I know you'll always be there for me
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