My venting:
It all started in the summer before 6th grade year and just got worse (I'm 15 now). I lost 4 people who were really close to me all within 1 1/2 years. On top of that, I can NOT see any beauty within myself. My personality when I'm around others perhaps, but nothing else. I'm not pretty. I'm fat (I've even been told that by a girl at school). I'm ugly (also verified by girls at school). I have SUPER low self confidence which makes me really socially awkward (and I realize this) therefore making me a target of dislike and ignoring. My older siblings LOVE to pick on me. Not like playful sibling love, no. They pick and scrutinize and make me mad to the point of me being in tears and just wanting to be left alone. Will they leave me alone though? No. They continue on their merry way of picking on me. Also, I'll never be as good as them. I'm always being compared to them. A B in a class? Heaven forbid! They NEVER would have gotten a B. That's like, unheard of in my house. I'm sorry I'm taking advanced classes? They're hard - they're MEANT to challenge you. Also, I get compared to them for everything else as well. Social life, beauty, personality, etc. I don't WANT to be like them. I am me... stop trying to compare me to them! On top of that, I feel like I am going no where in life. I have NO idea what I want to do when I get out of highschool. I know I want to go to college. Idk what for... I have no clue "what I want to be when I get older." It's frustrating. Also, my parents don't care about my problems. Their supportive in my good times... something bad happens and it seems like they couldn't care less. And I wouldn't dare even mention anything that has happened to my siblings. All they'll do is make a joke out of it. I have ONE really good friend. Even her and I bicker sometimes though. I constantly feel like I could end up friendless, and it scares me. I hate the feeling of being alone. I had a SUPER depressed phase a couple years back where I even considered suicide... I had a bottle of pain killers in my hand one day, considering the possibility of that method actually working. I ended up putting the bottle down (I still to this day don't know what made me do it... in the moment I put it down though, I felt an overall peace of mind). I say now that I'm glad I didn't kill myself. Everyone THINKS that I'm out of that phase now. Overall I am. But the old mindset still creeps back in every-so-often. Not as far as suicidal... but as far as cutting. I cut one day. Half out of curiousity (will this really help?) and half out of anger. I felt SO ashamed afterwards... I hate the scar from it. Then it happened again. And again. I have 3 scars... granted that is A LOT less than most cutters, but still... what if I keep doing it everytime I feel the urge to? When I'm in a good mood I see cutting as the dumbest idea ever. When I am in a bad enough mood to want to do so, it seems like a good idea. Then afterwards I feel so ashamed. I HATE the scars... I hate all the questions of "do you cut?" Yeah... let me just openly admit to you that I do so. Yeah, no. I tell everyone that they are scratches. I've kept that story up pretty well in my opinion. There is ONE person who knows about this all... I can trust him with any secret. I can't tell anyone else though. Just, URG! I want a fresh start, starting from before I ever fell into my depressed stage the first time. I tell myself "I'm a lot better off than most cutters" or "I'm not THAT bad as compared to others." When, in reality, any cutting is bad. Try telling me that while I'm doing it though.
Thank you to whoever made this account and thank you to all the people who kindly share it and don't hack it. I like having a place to vent without making an anonymous account that people don't know me at.