patonrice
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1 decade ago
hey just read your first chapter. I just saew your third one. Iyt was pretty good so I decided to come and check out chapter one. I liked it. Not my favorite but I liked it. I think your main character seems a little cocky and that might be why I don't LOVE it. She's all "I actually am really pretty" It's just not needed. I think you're trying to describe how she looks but you can do it in a better way. you can say stuff like "Caiden stared into my blue eyes" so there you know she has blue eyes without making her sound cocky. Because I get the idea that she's self conscious. Around guys especially but then she goes and says that she's really pretty and it doesn't really add up. But other then that I think you're off to a pretty good start. I love the title it's very mysterious and gripping which is what you want in a story. One thing I would say though would be to make chapter one a bit longer. Make something exciting or interesting or something griping happen in it so the reader wants to read more! Don't be affraid to write too much. You can never write to much. Good luck! Oh and sorry the comment is so long. I don't mean for any of this to be personal and you don't have to listen to a word I say! But good luck with this! i look forward to reading more! reply
SussieeRamirez
·
1 decade ago
You write GREAT!
Please write more! If anyone tells you your not good, don't believe them cause it's a lie! reply
Cheer_Love7
·
1 decade ago
Because stangers don't judge. And they see what would be best and tell you what you need to hear and not what you wanna hear♥ reply
JustMe888
·
1 decade ago
you are beautiful & amazing! reply
bizzeybeatsxo350
·
1 decade ago
ewwwwwww that's just gross reply
Jetsfan123
·
1 decade ago
Bbbbbbbbboooooooooonnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr believe me ik how it feels to pit annother bone in someone's body reply
JadenSmithsWife
·
1 decade ago
just be there for her and let her know that yu are there for her and she can trust you. thats what iwould want someone to do for me reply
takemetoneverland* · 1 decade ago
Its good I like it .
reply
patonrice · 1 decade ago
hey just read your first chapter. I just saew your third one. Iyt was pretty good so I decided to come and check out chapter one. I liked it. Not my favorite but I liked it. I think your main character seems a little cocky and that might be why I don't LOVE it. She's all "I actually am really pretty" It's just not needed. I think you're trying to describe how she looks but you can do it in a better way. you can say stuff like "Caiden stared into my blue eyes" so there you know she has blue eyes without making her sound cocky. Because I get the idea that she's self conscious. Around guys especially but then she goes and says that she's really pretty and it doesn't really add up. But other then that I think you're off to a pretty good start. I love the title it's very mysterious and gripping which is what you want in a story. One thing I would say though would be to make chapter one a bit longer. Make something exciting or interesting or something griping happen in it so the reader wants to read more! Don't be affraid to write too much. You can never write to much. Good luck! Oh and sorry the comment is so long. I don't mean for any of this to be personal and you don't have to listen to a word I say! But good luck with this! i look forward to reading more!
reply
SussieeRamirez · 1 decade ago
You write GREAT!
Please write more! If anyone tells you your not good, don't believe them cause it's a lie!
reply
Boomshakalacka01 · 1 decade ago
I like it. ;)
reply
Cheer_Love7 · 1 decade ago
Because stangers don't judge. And they see what would be best and tell you what you need to hear and not what you wanna hear♥
reply
JustMe888 · 1 decade ago
you are beautiful & amazing!
reply
bizzeybeatsxo350 · 1 decade ago
ewwwwwww that's just gross
reply
Jetsfan123 · 1 decade ago
Bbbbbbbbboooooooooonnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr believe me ik how it feels to pit annother bone in someone's body
reply
carolcheer · 1 decade ago
I don't get it
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Be_Brave · 1 decade ago
took me forever to understand. :D
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falling_apart_forever · 1 decade ago
ewwwwy!!! that made me laugh so hard! :p
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xxamyxx114 · 1 decade ago
lol yeah
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snowskier · 1 decade ago
referring to a or something like that right :p ?
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ElifantLover · 1 decade ago
haha wow i get it now
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xxamyxx114 · 1 decade ago
Its referring to a lol
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DuckyMoMo11 · 1 decade ago
I don't get it someone write me
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storygirl123 · 1 decade ago
hahahahahaha this made me lauugh
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italiancutie5447 · 1 decade ago
i dont get it?
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gurneett · 1 decade ago
yes i would!
reply
JadenSmithsWife · 1 decade ago
just be there for her and let her know that yu are there for her and she can trust you. thats what iwould want someone to do for me
reply