The world seems to be so quiet. So deaf, so blind, so ignorant. I too am those things, I too am alone. There is no one there for me to run to, no one who is willing to listen. These nightmares haunt me, they won’t leave me alone. The walls collapse into me, the childhood I never lived mimics me. Sometimes I wonder what life really is, is it pain and tears? Or does is consist of happiness and joy. I no longer have the desire of wanting to figure out life, because I no longer have a reason to continue to breathe. Every breath hurts, hurts more than anyone can imagine. Time seems to drag forever; each minute brings nothing but pain. Its unbearable. I have succeeded in nothing, won nothing, and been nothing. this is not what I want to go through, I do not want to be reminded of the horrific dreams. These wounds wont seem to heal......
I feel so alone. so lost. so confused. I just want to know what it is that everyone is hiding from me. What is this piece that I am missing? Shouldn't I be happy? I'm afraid. I'm afraid to trust again. To believe. To love. I dont want to let this moment slip away, but with the secret everyone is keeping, its killing me inside. I just really need a true friend right now.
today is my birthday. July 2nd 2011 ; 12:00 a.m 15. another year. another year that holds many surprises. a day to celebrate that i am still living in this cruel world. a day to tell the world, i am still alive. and i am doing just fine.
That Summer- 16 i knew it would happen. but i knew not to confront Nick. nor tell RIchard because he wouldnt believe me. Matt was the last person i even would ever consider telling. IT happened that night of the years biggest party. IT wrecked me, emotionally & mentally. IT was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I lost everything to Nick, even my virginity. The music still echoes in my ears, that loud thumping still engraved in my heart. The moment i close my eyes, i can remember all the events that took place that night. that night IT happened..
I never thought that after everything this is where we would end up. you with her & me sitting on witty crying and writing about it. i never thought you'd fall out of love with me. i ever thought my attitudes could really push you away. i wanted nothing but for you to stick with me forever, through everything. i'm so sorry. i'm sorry i took you for granted. i hope she treats you better. i hope she makes you a bigger priority then i did. and while you enjoy spending time with her, kissing her lips, and touching her hair, i want you to know something. i want to tell you that i loved you.
That Summer-  I was out of the hospital the next day, the doctors wanted to do a few more tests just to make sure I was okay. When we pulled up the drive way of my kingdom, I saw a dozen roses laid down on the front steps. I walked out of the car, and picked them up. A card was attached, signed with Nick’s name. I threw the roses on the floor and stepped on and over them to get inside. I went upstairs to my bedroom and picked up my iphone to find that Kourtney had texted me. Just when I was about to open the message, the door bell rung.
That Summer-  I woke up to find myself in a hospital bed. Surrounded by my mother, Richard and my father. I didn’t know who to look at, or what to even say. My mouth was dry, my eyes crusty. “She’s waking up...” I heard my mother whisper. My dad stroked my hair back from my face. No one said a word, the silence deafened me. The doctor walked in and picked up the clipboard from the front of my bed. “How are we feeling Ms. Megan?” he asked. I built up the strength to say : “ alright.” Nothing more. He asked to talk to me alone, and my parents and brother left the room. “Megan, can you tell me what happened?” “ I don’t remember” “ did you take any medication, drugs or consume alcohol?” “no” “ Ok, very swell. Megan, from now on you have to watch yourself. We found your blood pressure higher than normal which could explain the passing out. Thankfully nothing bad but you never know. I will give you something that will relieve you, but please try not to stress.” “Mhm. Yes doctor” I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if I died or if I was diagnosed with some disease. I will never be the old me.
That Summer * sorry girls i know its been long, but I'm ready to continue writing:D appreciate your understanding & patience. * standing there with Nick frustrated me, the tension was building up. I wanted to attack him, I wanted to hit him, I wanted to scream & kick & punch. He was the one that ruined my life, my high school reputation. he took EVERYTHING away from me. How could he just stand here, in front of me, without even flinching? My palms began to get sweaty; the walls were coming down on me. The room spinning, Nick's laughter echoed in my ears. The things he told me that night, what he did, kept replaying in my head over and over again. Then right at that moment, with Nick staring directly at me, everything went black....