i know most of you wont read this, but if you do. thank you.
im venting.
exactly one month and 2 days my first love died. i remember when i saw him at the visitation. the first time that i went, i just couldnt do it. right when i was about to see him, i ran out. and to the bathroom. i threw up. and had to go to home for a while.. when i went back, i actually got to see him. his body was soo.. i dont even know. pale. he just looked so dead. my aunt told me "honey tell him you love him." but i couldnt say a word. why? because i saw a huge bruise on the side of his cheek. i cried. when i got home i cried even more. i didnt go to school the next day because his funeral and burial was that day. at the funeral, i was fine. hearing the priest talk about how he was resting now. and was in gods hands somehow calmed me down. but at the burial. i lost it. they started to put the dirt on his casket. and it made the sickest sound ever. honestly? ive been fine. up until now. i dont know why. but ive been thinking about him more. remembering our times. our hugs. everything. i miss him soooo much. i dont want to be without him. for some reason, i always thought, even when we were little. that even if were broken up, we'd eventually find each other one day, in this huge world, get married, have kids and live the perfect life. that was shattered when he died. </3 ive lost my will to live. all i ever do now is cry. and when i actually smile, its the fakest thing in the world. and what kills me the most? i havent had one dream about him. but everyone else has. i feel like im slowly forgetting about him... and i dont want to. i love him.
peter, if your watching me write this, im sorry i couldnt stay strong for you. im sorry i let you down. rest in peace baby. i hope i see you again soon. </3
xSara_Jox74502