you're just going to forget about me, aren't you?
I'll probably end up just another name on your friends list. Another contact in your phone, one that you'll never text again. That picture of us will be nothing but a mere memory to you. The conversations that lasted until 2 AM will be long gone. I'll just be a symbol of carefree summer days, of a time when, if only for a little bit, the future didn't matter - it didn't matter where any of us were going, it only mattered that we were there then, in those moments. Because as the future arrives, piece by piece, it's going to bury me underneath. Maybe I'll be on your mind, somewhere - but trapped beneath everything else. And I understand, because honestly, it all does matter more than me - your future is more important than some girl you barely know. And I get that, because I see things the same way. But why can't I co-exist alongside all the other thoughts, as you do alongside mine? Why can't you have your cake and eat it too; why can't you go all Hannah Montana and live the best of both worlds - exist in the present moment, yet always have one foot forward? All I know is that I constantly have at least some part of me that's not exactly all there, but is instead lost inside of a daydream - often vague, yet hopeful. I'm never entirely in the moment. Maybe you understood this; maybe this is why you advised me to "take it one day at a time." Maybe you realized that I don't see life day-by-day but rather in large, roughly cut chunks of time; in a constant state of longing - not for the past, but for what hasn't happened yet, for what doesn't exist. In a way you're a part of that, because there really is no you and I right now, is there? You're just a possibility, a maybe, a could-be-but-isn't-quite-yet. Maybe you advised me as you did because in a sense you're the same way - constantly trying to immerse yourself in the future. But on the other hand, you're also the opposite of that, because you seem to always enjoy the moments as they pass - savor each and every one like a cookie cake that melts in your mouth, piece by piece. As it arrives. Maybe one of the reasons why I want you is because I'd love to live my life like that myself, even though I never fully do. Because I'm a planner, sometimes a worrier, and definitely an overthinker. And if that's bad, then I guess I'm the worst. But it's hard for me not to be like this when I'm literally in an environment that spoon-feeds me anxiety as a twisted form of nourishment. Senior year, yes. Neither of us quite knows what it holds. But if anything, that should be exactly why you should remember me, and actually definitely try to be with me - because in the midst of all the pressure, we're going to need a few carefree moments - where, if only for a little bit, the future won't matter. Does it really matter where we're going? Let's just be here, right now. ♥