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unicorns_chuckling

nightfelics171321
posted a quote
May 30, 2013 9:51pm UTC

So today at school we had a presentation.
Speeker: raise your hand if you have an addiction
Me:(reading quotes on witty with my phone, friend holds my hand up)
Me: I was reading a really good qoute on witty!

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 7 points

SuddyBuddy
posted a quote
May 27, 2013 10:46pm UTC

I bet Harry has to use the Tawni hart butthorn to get into his jeans

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 2 points

RealGrandpaWitty
posted a quote
May 23, 2013 2:46pm UTC

Hey, I just met you
and this is crazy,
but I have Alzheimer's.
Hey, I just met you.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 88 points

^_^*
posted a quote
May 19, 2013 8:54am UTC

Does anyone else take their
earphones out when they put music
on to see if anyone else around
them can hear it before they put them
back in?

👍 this is good · read the comments · 129 points

Just an average kid*
posted a quote
May 19, 2013 10:50pm UTC

Frozone: Honey?
Wife: What?
Frozone: Where's my super suit?
Wife: What?
Frozone: WHERE'S MY SUPER SUIT?
Wife: I put it away.
[helicopter explodes outside]
Frozone: Where?
Wife: Why do you need to know?
Frozone: I need it!
Wife: Uh-uh! Don't you think about running off doing no daring-do. We've been planning this dinner for two months!
Frozone: The public is in danger!
Wife: My evening's in danger!
Frozone: You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!
Wife: 'Greater good?' I am your wife! I'm the greatest good you are ever gonna get!
Oh, the incredibles....

👍 this is good · read the comments · 81 points

again
posted a quote
May 16, 2013 10:19pm UTC

Teacher: Yeah so awkward story, everyday one of the teachers goes to the bathroom at 3:00pm and stinks up the bathroom an-
Student: Was it you?

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 4 points

GRACEROCKS
posted a quote
May 12, 2013 9:31pm UTC

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to the bar!" "No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death." "Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet right in front of the bar. "I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" . So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar. "Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!" "Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to fall screaming to his death on the rocks below. The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink. The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him: "You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been drinking, Superman".
(funny stuff central)

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 46 points

dreamer*
posted a quote
May 8, 2013 4:08pm UTC

Going On Vacation
for one week and packing like you are going away for a month
Not mine quote

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 85 points

darkeyeangel
posted a quote
May 8, 2013 5:13pm UTC

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”

👍 this is good · read the comments · 107 points

glitter162*
posted a quote
May 5, 2013 5:53pm UTC

I bet Chinese people go to
American restaurants and ask for a fork so they can show off to their friends.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 116 points

SalemSoto
posted a quote
May 5, 2013 5:34pm UTC

when you get that weird shiver,
and look like a freak.

👍 this is good · read the comments · 92 points

yourcool
posted a quote
May 5, 2013 3:07pm UTC

i want to personally thank the person who
discovered that chicken was edible.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 140 points

Hale_Storm18
posted a quote
May 5, 2013 4:34pm UTC

Once my friend was waiting for her mom to pick her up and she called her
mom and her mom said, "I'm on my way. Traffic is just slow." and my friend said, "Mom, I called the house phone."

👍 this is good · read the comments · 363 points

yourcool
posted a quote
May 5, 2013 1:29am UTC

like i don't party i don't do drugs
not pregnant i don't worship satan or anything and all i do is get yelled at for stupid sh.t like leaving a fork in the sink

👍 this is good · read the comments · 207 points

xxIntroducingMe
posted a quote
May 5, 2013 10:35pm UTC

I really don't understand how some parents let their kids go to school
in the morning wearing really short shorts and a barely there
sleeveless top when I can't even step foot out the house without
getting screamed at for not wearing a jacket.

👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 16 points