When I first started getting thoughts, I said, "You know what? This is ridiculous. I need to make myself better. Moping around and complaining won't solve my problems." Because it really won't. I wanted to make myself better. I needed to make myself better. My life wasn't going to get any better if I didn't solve the problems within it. So, I was trying to let go. Let go of things that were sad. I tried to make myself happy, and the first few weeks were very hard. I kept falling and going into relapse and I just didn't think I would be able to be happy anymore. It felt like I was trying to get past a boulder that was at least 10 times bigger than me and there wasn't a way to get past it, not even a small hole between walls and the ground. I so terribly wanted to give up. I didn't give up though, because I said to myself, "If others can do it, I can do it too." A few weeks later, I wanted to give up again because it felt like I hadn't made any process and I just didn't have enough faith in myself due to being severely upset and insecure for 3 years. I was having a hard time riding a bike through Life without training wheels. I was alone. I kept pushing everyone away because I believed that I and they would be happier, but that wasn't proven. I wanted to give up so bad because I didn't see a point in trying to make myself better. I didn't see me being more happy in life for a reason. I just saw no point in it. But, I kept going.
My point is, I've been trying to get myself to be happier and more confident and more positive for a month or two. There were moments where I saw no point in trying, no point in making myself better. There were moments where I fell off of the bike and I didn't feel like getting back up. I was tired of trying because I kept falling. If you are really sad or depressed, please get help or help yourself. Even if you don't think you deserve happiness, everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves a happy ending. You need to learn to appreciate what you have, even if it isn't a lot, because you have a lot more than you need. You're still living, right? You're on an electronic reading this, right? There is internet around you to read this, right? You have more than you need. You need to be more positive and you need to get up and try. You need to get on that bike and get back on the trail to finish the journey of Life. If you keep falling off the bike, if you can't balance yourself, it's ok to ask for help. You never know who will be there to catch you when you fall or who will be there to help you if you have problems. It's ok to be assissted in riding the bike for a little bit. You just need to learn how to ride it by yourself for the rest of the trip. The longer you ride, the more you stay on, the stronger you'll be. The more problems you can face. You'll be able to ride through a storm. Just keep on riding that bike to keep it balanced. Just don't give up. If you give up permanently, that's when you become a failure. Don't give up.
SecretlyBrokenAndSilentlyHoping
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