Witty Profiles

menu
sign in or join

theinfinitejar

Status: As usual. Nostalgic.

Member Since: 10 Jun 2013 11:29am

Last Seen: 1 Jan 2014 11:41am

Location: About a million miles away

user id: 362681

26 Quotes
100 Favorites
6 Following
8 Followers
-1 Comment Points
Comments
Comments on Quotes
Comments by User
Quote Comments by User
Flair beta

follow block report

  1. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    August 8, 2013 9:54pm UTC
    And in the end, of course, a true war story is never about war. It’s about sunlight. It’s about the special way that dawn s p r e a d s out on a river when you know you must c r o s s the river and march into the mountains and do things you are afraid to do. It’s about love and memory. It’s about sorrow. It’s about sisters who never w r i t e bac k and p e ople who never listen.
    -The Things They Carried

  2. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    August 8, 2013 1:17pm UTC
    Welcome to Conscience School!
    Here you will learn how to be good little boys and girls!
    Don't worry! The change will be gradual and absolute painless! You won't even notice it!
    NOW SIT DOWN
    AND SHUT UP BEFORE I
    MAKE YOU!

  3. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    August 6, 2013 4:45pm UTC
    Me: *watching TV*
    Me: *hears garage door opening*
    Me: *quietly shrieks*
    Me: *turns off TV*
    Me: *hides bag of chips*
    Me: *dashes up the stairs*
    Me: *changes out of pajamas*
    Me: *dashes back down the stairs*
    *car door slams shut*
    Me: *washes dishes in 5 seconds*
    Me: *brushes hair in 2 seconds*
    Me: *gets out pencil and eraser*
    Me: *gets out homework*
    Me: *pretends that I've been doing homework for a long time*
    *door opens*
    Me: *innocently whistles*

  4. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    August 2, 2013 1:51pm UTC
    Vote for NOBODY!
    NOBODY will keep election promises!
    NOBODY will listen to your concerns!
    NOBODY will help the poor and unemployed!
    NOBODY tells the truth!
    NOBODY is the BEST CHOICE for YOU!
    I saw this online. Nmq. Not meant to bash anybody. I just thought it was "witty." Ha....ha...ha...

  5. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    July 17, 2013 11:40am UTC
    Plot Twist #1:
    Rapunzel's hair is actually a wig.

  6. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    July 16, 2013 10:18am UTC
    Conscience School Application Form
    Hello and welcome to Conscience School! Conscience School is a place that transforms naughty children into polite, well-behaved little angels! And best of all, it's completely FREE!
    Warning: Sending your child to Conscience School may result in temporary insanity. After attending Conscience School, your child may feel compelled to constantly badger you to correct your behavior. If these side effects do occur, consult your local psychiatrist. Hopefully these symptoms will disappear after a few years of counseling.
    Just contact us and send in an application form, like the one you are reading right now. We'll automatically accept your child!
    At Conscience School, children will be placed in an environment as close to their daily lives as possible. Each child will have a Conscience School Mentor assigned to them. Their Mentor will follow the child around. Whenever the child is being naughty (e.g. slapping others' faces with a paper tube), the Mentor will immediately take action to correct the habit. Once the child is completely de-naughtified, the Mentor will send the child home.
    If you wish to send your child to Conscience School, please fill out the form below. Your child may fill out the form.
    Name: The Infinite Jar
    ftfirst middle last
    Gender: M/F Unknown. Subject is a vegetable.
    How did you hear about Conscience School?
    Subject is friends with the founder of Conscience School.
    What do you want to achieve at Conscience School?
    Subject wishes to achieve four things.
    Subject wishes to
    1. Permanently expel subject's own buttheadedness.
    2. Learn proper etiquette and "table manners."
    3. Stop saying "subject" all the time.
    4. Learn how to use pronouns.
    Describe your life.
    Subject goes to a public school. Subject's grade has 380 people and is filled with many assorted buttheads. Subject constantly wants to smash buttheads' faces against the wall. Alas, subject is unable to do that, as that would result in prolonged suspension or permanent ejection from subject's school. Subject tends to suffer from a lack of sleep, and will sometimes doze off in class. Subject will wake up and become highly disoriented. Subject's home life is rather boring. Every morning, subject refuses to get our of bed. Subject almost always almost misses the morning bus to school. When subject gets home, subject engages in various sedentary activies. Then subject goes to sleep and then wakes up the next morning and then the cycle repeats again.
    Thank you for joining Conscience School! School will begin immediately. WAIT WHAT SUBJECT WAS NOT INFORMED OF THIS SUBJECT DOES NOT WANT TO GO WHYYYYYYY

  7. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 22, 2013 9:49am UTC
    Me: *talking to ecawesomeness and isabeltheosm on computer*
    Me: When I first met Isabel, I thought that she was actually mature. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    ecawesomeness: hahahaha poor you
    Me: I also thought that she was a very good student.
    ecawesomeness: wow. that's like -- abnormal. NO ONE thinks isabel is mature and a good student. what drugs have you been taking lately?
    isabeltheosm: well i think shes showing the symptoms of crystal meth- hallucinations.

  8. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 18, 2013 8:57am UTC
    Mean Person: You're fat.
    Me: Well, when the nuclear winter comes, I'm going to hide in my bunker and live off of my body fat.
    Me: And laugh while you starve to death.
    Mean Person: You have no friends.
    Me: That means that when I have achieved world domination, I won't have to share the power with anyone.
    Me: And that means that they won't be able to stop me from exiling you to a remote desert island in the middle of the Pacific.
    Mean Person: You're stupid.
    Me: When the zombie apocalypse arrives, I'll hide in my bunker and laugh because zombies only eat brains. Which means that they'll ignore me.
    Me: So they'll eat your brains.
    Me: Since you're obviously highly intelligent.

  9. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 17, 2013 7:42am UTC
    What if our solar system is actually just an atom?
    If the solar system is an atom,
    then the sun is the nucleus.
    The planets are electrons orbiting the sun.
    The planets are attracted to the sun because of gravity.
    Electrons are attracted to a nucleus because of electromagnetic forces.
    Everything on the planets (that includes people!) is either a spinon or an orbitron, or possibly a holon.
    (In case you don't know, those are the things that supposedly make up electrons.)
    What if that's what we actually are?
    What if we're just an atom on the tip of someone's fingernail?
    What if there are entire solar systems riding on the tips of our fingernails?
    This was a theory that my technology ed teacher proposed to our class. I posted it on here just for fun. Please don't get offended or anything. :)

  10. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 17, 2013 2:13am UTC
    -Why are you in college, Ms. Powers?
    -Because I can't sing or dance.
    ~Long May She Reign
    Well, neither can Kim or Kourtney Kardashian.

  11. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 16, 2013 11:56pm UTC
    Mom: You can only bring one suitcase back from China.
    Mom: So you have to leave a lot of stuff there.
    Mom: Oh, and bring all my makeup products back, will you?

  12. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 16, 2013 12:50am UTC
    Today my grandpa and I went for a ride in his electrically powered cart with three wheels that can somehow move. Its maximum speed is about 20 mph. You have to slow down when you turn the corners, or else the cart will flip over. But, when you hit the brakes, they make a horribly loud squeaking sound.
    Me and Grandpa: *drives through a dark tunnel at 20 mph*
    Me: *hears a very loud honking sound*
    Me: *turns around*
    Me: *sees semitruck bearing down on us at 50 mph*
    Me: OH MY GOSH
    Me: WE'RE HERE! WE'RE HERE!
    Me: DON'T RUN US OVER
    Me and Grandpa: *driving up a small mountain*
    Cart: I shall now troll you.
    Cart: *stops*
    Cart: *rolls backwards*
    Grandpa: *hits brakes*
    Me: *cringes*
    Grandpa: It's running out of battery.
    Grandpa: *gets out*
    Grandpa: We have to push it now.
    Us: *pushes the cart up the mountain*
    Us: *sees random tourist couple*
    Random Tourist Couple: *gets on motorcycle*
    Me: Stop making me jealous.
    Me and Grandpa: *gets to the top of the mountain after an hour*
    Grandpa: Look, there's a government weather station here.
    Me:
    Me: Isn't there supposed to be a pagoda at the top?
    Grandpa: Yeah.
    Grandpa: We went up the wrong mountain.
    Me:
    Me: Can we go there today?
    Grandpa: No. The cart's going to run out of battery.
    Grandpa: And then we won't be able to go home.
    Me: *mentally facepalms*
    Me and Grandpa: *hears whistling sound*
    *random guy comes out of a house*
    Random Guy: *walks past us to the check the weather*
    Random Guy: *wonders why two random people are sitting right outside the weather station*
    One hour later...
    Me and Grandpa: *goes home*
    Me, Grandpa, Grandma, and Grandpa's Big Sister: *eats lunch*
    Grandpa: That cart is a really nice cart.

  13. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 15, 2013 4:09am UTC
    That darn-it-why-did-I-agree-to-this feeling when you and your friend are climbing the roof of a seven-story apartment building and the people on the ground look like mice.

  14. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 15, 2013 3:55am UTC
    This is what happens when my family eats out with my friends.
    Waitress: *puts bill down on the table next to my friend's dad*
    Friend's Dad: I'll pay it! *picks bill up*
    My Dad: No! I'll pay it! *grabs bill from friend's dad*
    Friend's Dad: What are you talking about? *reaches for bill* Let me pay it!
    My Mom: Hey! We're going to--
    Friend's Mom: No, we'll handle it! *snatches bill from my dad*
    Friend #2's Mom: Stop fighting and give it to us! *lunges for the bill*
    Friend's Mom: HEY! I had it already! *engages in epic tug-of-war battle*
    Friend #2's Mom: Ha! *wrestles bill away*
    Waitress: *awkwardly leaves*
    My Dad: I GOT IT! *somehow gets bill and starts taking credit card out*
    Friend's Mom and Friend #2's Mom: GIVE IT TO ME! *both get their hands on the bill and start pulling in opposite directions*
    My Dad: STOP IT I'M TRYING TO SIGN IT!
    Friend #2's Dad: Why don't we just split the bill?
    My Mom: ARE YOU CRAZY WE'RE PAYING IT!
    Friend's Dad: I thought we agreed that WE would pay for it!
    Friend #2's Mom: I HAVE IT *takes out pen*
    Friend's Dad: *quickly swipes it from her hands*
    Friend #2's Mom: Wait I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MY SIGNA--
    Friend's Dad: *runs toward the checkout counter*
    All Parents: WAIT NO
    All Parents: COME BACK HERE WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING
    Kids: .............

  15. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 14, 2013 12:48am UTC
    that horrible moment
    when you've finished watching Weeping Angels from Doctor Who
    and then you realize that there are stone statues in your grandma's house.

  16. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 14, 2013 12:35am UTC
    THAT HORRIBLE MOMENT
    when you go to pick up your luggage at the airport,
    and you watch the carousel go round and round and round,
    and then you realize that your suitcase with everything in it isn't there.

  17. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 13, 2013 4:31am UTC
    Why Everyone Hates Mosquitoes
    My parents: Oh no! We forgot to pack mosquito repellent for when you go to China!
    Me: It's okay. I'll just let the mosquitoes bite me.
    Me: How bad can it be?
    Me: *flies to China*
    Me: *goes to grandma's house*
    Me: *gets ten mosquito bites*
    Me: They're not that itchy.
    Me: *gets fifteen mosquito bites*
    Me: They're fine as long as I don't scratch them. *scratches one until it leaves a hole in my finger*
    Me: *gets twenty mosquito bites*
    Me: Must stop scratching. *scratches mosquito bites until they bleed*
    Me: *gets twenty-five mosquito bites*.
    Me: *starts slapping myself to stop scratching*
    Me: *wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a mosquito buzzing next to my ear*
    Me: AAAGH!
    Me: *pulls covers over my face*
    Mosquito: Oh no you don't.
    Mosquito: *flies in through the gaps*
    Mosquito: *bites my forehead*
    Mosquito: *bites my cheeks*
    Mosquito: *bites my chin*
    Me: *slaps own face to kill mosquito*
    Me: *misses epically*
    Mosquito: *buzzes annoyingly away*
    Me: *runs downstairs to get the electric mosquito swatter*
    Me: *lays awake trying to electrocute mosquito*
    Mosquito: *buzzes next to my face*
    Me: *violently swings mosquito swatter around*
    Me: *hits self*
    Me: Oww.........
    Me: *sees mosquito*
    Me: *swings mosquito swatter*
    Mosquito: *gets electrocuted and dies*
    Me: GOTCHA
    Me: *lays down again*
    Me: *hears another mosquito*
    Me: Why.
    The Next Morning
    My Grandma: Don't scratch your forehead. You have really big pimples.
    Me: They're mosquito bites.
    My Grandma:
    My Grandma: Oh.
    Another true story.

  18. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 13, 2013 4:07am UTC
    Does anyone still laugh when someone farts in the middle of class?

  19. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 12, 2013 9:39am UTC
    Science Class.
    Teacher (let's call her Mrs. K): What's that smell?
    Everyone else: Oh yeah, what IS that smell? It smells weird.....
    Student (let's call him Ethan): Oh, sorry, Coach K. I have poop on my shoe.
    Mrs. K: Poop on your shoe?
    Ethan: Oh yeah, so today my bus missed my stop and then I was like "Oh, shoot!" And then I had to run across like three backyards and then I stepped in a pile of poop and then I was like "Oh, SHOOT!" and then when I went to school in General Music (first period) my shoe was stinking like poop. And then-
    Ethan's friend (Let's call him Will): There's a piece of poop stuck on his shoe!
    Everyone: Eeee-
    Ethan: No, it's more like a smudge, see? *lifts shoe up so that everyone can see*
    Mrs. K: Okay, go to the bathroom and wash it off.
    *Ethan leaves, leaving bits of poop on the floor*
    Everyone: Why does Ethan always get to miss class?
    Mrs. K: Okay, class! Back to work! *gets a bottle of Febreeze and starts spraying it everywhere*
    .....
    (Lesson on Plate Tectonics)
    Mrs. K: And so, the plates-
    Ethan: *opens door* Hi Mrs. K!
    Mrs. K: ...Why are you holding a cookie?
    Ethan: Oh yeah, so then I was in the bathroom and then I didn't have paper towels so I was hitting my shoe against the trash can, and then this eighth grade teacher was walking by.
    Ethan: And then she heard me and then she was like,"You are supposed to be in class, young man! Come out right now!"
    Ethan: And then I walked out and I was like,"I'm sorry, but there's poop on my shoe." Ethan: And then she was like,"Oh, would you like some paper towels?"
    Ethan: And I was like,"Yes, please," so then she went and got paper towels and when she came back she gave me a cookie because it looked like I was having a bad day.
    Everyone:.....
    Will: So. Is it from Starbucks?
    True Story.

  20. theinfinitejar theinfinitejar
    posted a quote
    June 12, 2013 9:06am UTC
    I moved to a back overseas this year. I got to see my old friends again. I hadn't seen for at least a year.
    One day, I was waiting at the bus stop with my friend and another neighbor.
    "Who are you?" my neighbor abruptly asked. "How do you know me?"
    "Don't you remember me?" I said. "I moved two years ago."
    "No," she replied. "I don't even know your name."
    "I moved at the end of fourth grade," I said. "You don't remember?" I was shocked.
    I reminisced about how we had once gone bike riding together.
    How did she not remember me?
    Right then, the bus pulled around the corner. As we walked toward it, my friend said to me,
    "In case you haven't noticed, things don't pick up where you left off."

:)

Join · Top Quotes · New Quotes · Random · Chat · Add Quote · Rules · Privacy Policy · Terms of Use · Full Site
© 2003-2024 Witty Profiles