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theWalrus

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Member Since: 31 Dec 2011 12:03am

Last Seen: 7 Dec 2014 10:24pm

user id: 257595

392 Quotes
1,294 Favorites
179 Following
135 Followers
56 Comment Points
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  1. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    November 10, 2013 5:26pm EST
    Person: I'm having a heart attack!
    Witty: HOLD ON
    Witty: You can't just diagnose yourself like that
    Witty: I have had heart attacks for 5 years now
    Witty: I know what it feels like to have a real heart attack
    Person: *dies*
    Witty: pshh, stop being an attention who/re

  2. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    November 8, 2013 9:52pm EST
    I'm generally a really nice person
    but there is this guy I don't really like,
    and the night I was avoiding him I had a dream
    that he died in a plane crash and I was super sad and felt really awful
    and I wish my mind would let me be mean for once I mean being nice is good
    but sometimes you just need to be able to imagine brutally murdering someone without feeling guilty

  3. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 31, 2013 7:56pm EDT
    *In Class Yesterday*
    Teacher: Who's dressing up for halloween tomorrow? What are you guys going to be?
    Kid in back of class: Hungover
    Teacher: Haha me too.
    Teacher: Actually that's what I am today

  4. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 30, 2013 10:32pm EDT
    Oh my god I cant handle people touching me
    like when guys try to hug me it's just like
    80/20 chance I will punch you in the throat

  5. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 30, 2013 10:25pm EDT
    *At my rugby game*
    During half time
    Coach: I want to see you guys f/ck them in the as$
    Teammate: I'm going to f/ck them in the a$s so hard
    Teammate: Let's go out there and kill a b/tch
    This is the story of how rugby players are classy as f/ck

  6. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 17, 2013 9:08pm EDT
    Hey what time is it?
    "Time for you to get a watch"
    Really? I thought it was time for you to get a new joke.

  7. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 17, 2013 5:00pm EDT
    I would love you Monday,
    through 'til Sunday

  8. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 6, 2013 7:16pm EDT
    *shopping with my brother*
    Dude: Hey man
    Brother: Hey
    Dude: Is this your little sister?
    Brother: Yea
    Dude: So your name is Katie?
    Dude: And your a sophmore?
    Dude: and you have another sister, named Michelle?
    Me: Yea
    Brother: Are you stalking my life?
    Dude: No, remember that time I was talking about how I was going to f/ck your sisters?
    Me: 0.0

  9. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 3, 2013 8:40pm EDT
    It makes me so sad when people think no one will ever love them.
    Seriously, psychopaths on death row have people fall in love with them. Someone will love the sh/t out of you someday.
    It’s going to happen and you’ll be happy.

  10. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 3, 2013 8:36pm EDT
    >>> Discussing politics on witty

  11. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    October 2, 2013 9:03pm EDT
    Guy: Hey you look cold, do you want my jacket?
    Me: No thanks, I'm ok
    And this is a story of how I never learned how to interact with attractive members of the male species

  12. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 30, 2013 7:32pm EDT
    The feels on the bus go round and round

  13. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 29, 2013 4:35pm EDT
    If you were a fruit
    you'd be a fineapple

  14. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 29, 2013 1:05pm EDT
    Day 5 without nutella:
    If only I had bought a bigger jar
    *Cries*

  15. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 27, 2013 12:55pm EDT
    Day three after devouring all of the nutella:
    Rage ensues

  16. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 24, 2013 3:06pm EDT
    Day one after running out of nutella:
    I have never known a sadness like this

  17. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 23, 2013 6:29pm EDT
    Me: Hates teenage girls
    Me: Is a teenage girl

  18. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 21, 2013 8:57pm EDT
    click to see this quote

  19. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 21, 2013 8:54pm EDT
    If you ever feel fat,
    just remember one time I ate for two hours straight and threw up
    because my stomach couldn't handle it. And then I ate more

  20. theWalrus theWalrus
    posted a quote
    September 21, 2013 8:29pm EDT
    If there's one thing I know about Steve,
    it's his name

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