Witty Profiles

theWalrus

1. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   October 11, 2014 1:52pm UTC
   I don't want to be a millionaire,
   I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 20 points
2. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   September 26, 2014 1:05am UTC
   Graduating with a major in business
   and a minor in possession of alcohol
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 5 points
3. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   September 26, 2014 1:00am UTC
   Shoutout to my liver
   for working harder than my brain
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 2 points
4. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   September 24, 2014 11:02am UTC
   Told this guy to text me when he got home,
   he must be homeless or something
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 10 points
5. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   September 23, 2014 5:09pm UTC
   Whenever you feel you're having a bad day,
   Remember that kid from airbud
   who who got cut from the basketball team
   to make room for a golden retriever
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 6 points
6. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   September 23, 2014 2:59pm UTC
   Student carrying backpacks after 9pm:
   8% going to library
   92% transporting illegal substances
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 5 points
7. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   September 23, 2014 2:57pm UTC
   I bring my litmus paper to parties
   to test how basic the b\tches are
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 2 points
8. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   September 16, 2014 12:21am UTC
   Everyone around me is like
   I'm so heartbroken, I thought he loved me
   And I'm just here like
   The radiative equilibrium for the Earth is 255K
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 8 points
9. theWalrus
   posted a quote
   August 8, 2014 12:03pm UTC
   If I hear one more friend say
   "i'm so broke" then post concert pictures every month,
   I swear I'm going to jump out of the duct taped hole in my window
   
   👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 8 points
10. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    August 4, 2014 10:55pm UTC
    In class today:
    Teacher: Mike, can you give us a summary of the story?
    Mike: ... so this guys neighbor was a little bit of an as.shole
    Teacher: Come on, a little bit?
    Mike:Ok he was an as.shole
    Teacher: You can do better
    Mike: Ok he was a complete as.shole
    Mike: There's no other way to put it
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 8 points
11. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 30, 2014 10:25pm UTC
    I really don't like touching people very much
    and this one time I went on a date with a guy
    and he tried to hug me at the end and as he leaned in
    I grabbed his hand and just gave him a hand shake
    and then gave a thumbs up and left him standing there
    and If this doesn't describe my life I don't know what does
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 4 points
12. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 30, 2014 10:16pm UTC
    It makes me sad
    that I only feel safe running alone with pepper spray,
    and I still won't even run trails alone no matter what,
    because of how many female runners get attacked.
    Yet my guy friends still laugh at me for being 'paranoid'
    And I don't know I just want to punch them in the throat
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 5 points
13. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 30, 2014 10:08pm UTC
    Ok,
    so can someone tell me how all of my weird childhood friends got hot?
    
    👍 this is good · read the comments · 8 points
14. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 15, 2014 7:11pm UTC
    Today I got whistled at 3 times while I was running
    The worst part is i'm pretty sure it was sarcastic
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 11 points
15. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 12, 2014 5:13pm UTC
    When my mom buys food so good that
    I have to eat it all before my siblings do:
    The real hunger games
    
    👍 this is good · read the comments · 30 points
16. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 11, 2014 8:36pm UTC
    Finals Week:
    Thick headbands are for hiding dirty hair
    Summer:
    Updos are for hiding peeling scalp pieces
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 3 points
17. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 9, 2014 3:31pm UTC
    Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
    Fo Drizzle
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 9 points
18. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 8, 2014 10:59am UTC
    The name's Banks.
    Robin Banks
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 7 points
19. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    July 1, 2014 7:27pm UTC
    I like my men like the Mississippi River:
    long, strong, and ready to rock my boat.
    
    👍 this is good · comment on this quote · 4 points
20. theWalrus
    posted a quote
    June 25, 2014 10:43pm UTC
    Is it the weekend?
    Yes No
    l l
    l Is it a monday?
    l Yes No
    l l l
    l l Are you trying to impress someone?
    l l No Yes
    l l l l
    l l l Is it the love of your life?
    l l l No Yes
    l l l l l
    l l l l Really?
    l l l l No Yes
    l l l l l l
    l l l l l Then they will love
    l l l l l you for who you are
    l l l l l l
    Wear Sweatpants
    
    👍 this is good · read the comments · 29 points

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