I cannot get myself to leave my bed, sometimes I feel sad...not depressed...but just sad for a few days and usually there's no one to talk to me about it, I don't need a whole big deal just talking normal conversation but instead I keep staying in bed until the last minute possible.
I hate being told that my problems and pain are nothing compared to others. I feel that everyone has their own level they can be pushed to, and I'm really at mine. Though, what gets even worse is that when I try to go to others with my problems and my pain they make me feel little and like it's really nothing. I'm sorry my life isn't like yours, my problem and pain level will be a lot different then yours, I wish I wouldn't be afraid to tell you things.
Jealousy can really get the best of me, then anxiety kicks in giving my head a million bad thoughts a minute making me upset myself and want to curl up the rest of the day. Though, unfortunately I can't change myself..
I stopped caring what anyone is doing anymore, I'm not going to please anyone of you. What ever happens at this point will happen, not my problem if any of them get hurt or hurt the other. If you're going to lie and hide things from me I'm not going to try..
All you two are doing is hurting each othera and then dragging me into the middle of it. I wish you guys would figure out what you want and stop making us all so awkward. None of us know what to do around you.
I can honestly say I've never felt this awful in my life before. I couldn't look at you without crying my eyes out...knowing how mad I made you. I like to please people so it hurts me to see loved ones upset and I care so much that it hurts so much. I can't even look myself in the mirror, just looking at myself makes me mad again. I can change things, I've done it before of course I can do that again. I'll find a new way to manage, I know I will.
I'm honestly disgusted in the way that some people act, today at the place I work there was a party going on and the family was so disrespectful to the employees and other people. They have a hard time following the rules. I had to be the one to go up and set the rules in place, I walked up to the group of kids very kindly asked them to go back to their room that they could not longer play, they ran in different directions screaming screw you. These were older kids, they should very well know their manors. I was extremly mad that kids could have such disrespect for people, why would a parent raise their child this way. I later learned that the parents were the same exact way...a women walked right passed me looked me in the eyes and dropped her sunflower seed shells on the carpet. She was two feet from a trash can but felt the need to drop her garbage on the floor for me to clean up, people need to be re-taught manors.
I always knew you blamed me for everything wrong with the both of us but today it really hit me. You honestly thought the worst of me, I never did any of those things on purpose. I really did try to help what was going on but both of us knew that wasn't going to work and pretty much gave up. Maybe it was for the best and maybe it wasn't, for some reason today it's really bothering me a huge part of me wants to ask you to go get dinner and talk it all over and figure out what realy happened and another part tells me no because I will probably take too much out on myself. Beyond conflicted...
Sometimes all I need to do is sit back and realize all the good things I have and not to worry so much. I think i've come such a long way in the past couple of years, been through a lot of up and downs. I've started fixing some of my flaws and problems I have had, things are so much better now. It comes in phases of seeing that today is one of those days.
Being overwhelmed and stressed out changes my entire state of mind. I get really scared and worked up about a lot of things and nobody really understands how it works, which makes me even more upset. No one has figured out how to help be with that besides telling me to suck it up. I could just use a hug and somebody to hold me as I cry getting it all out of my system, really that's all I think I need sometimes. Right now I have the crazy overwhelmed feeling and nobody to hug me let alone even reply to my messages. That's when it hits me the most, the point where I've tried everything I can do to make myself happy and now need someone and I don't have someone at that moment.