What happened to privacy? Guess I'll just go back to venting to my notebook. Because once again it's been proved That you can't trust anybody. I doubt I'll be coming on witty very often anymore. Seeyah.
Today at lunch; My friend asked me why I never bring a lunch and don't usually buy anything. I told her that I'm just not hungry at school or i forget money. The truth? I don't have enough food at home to pack a lunch every day. I don't have enough money to buy a lunch every day.
I hate being so sensitive. I hate that one little thing someone says can completely change my views on that person. I hate that one little thing can make my day. But most of all; I hate that the littlest things destroy me. The smallest words rip up my self-esteem, anything I do wrong can bring down my confidence for weeks.
This is the third time; My boyfriend has told me he's thought about hurting himself. If he does, A. It'll be my fault for exposing the idea to him B. He'll be hurt, and seeing him hurt makes me cry. Please no. Please, please, no.
In science; I had my sleeves rolled up. Only me and this kid who has been caught with drugs and never passes in his homework, named Cody, were sitting at a table. Cody: Why are you so shy? Me: I don't know.. Then, he saw the big cut on my wrist. So I quickly moved my arm under the desk, but he had already saw. Cody: Look, life is great. You only live once, so make the best out of it, have fun and be happy. I never would've expected it from someone like him, It goes to show that there's good in everyone.
I dared to be confident today. I w o r e m y s l e e v e s r o l l e d u p I a n s w e r e d q u e s t i o n s i n c l a s s I a c t e d o u t s c e n e s o f R o m e o a n d J u l i e t , i n L a n g u a g e A r t s . I w a s s o p r o u d . B u t a l l t h a t c o n f i d e n c e w a s t o o m u c h . A t t h e e n d o f t h e d a y i b r o k e d o w n c r y i n g .
I can't even look at the girl I used to call my best friend anymore. She's beautiful. But she's suicidal because of me. I'm so ashamed of myself because of it. Today; After play practice, I was on the bench in the hallway, waiting for my friend, And she came out, we were the only 2 in the hallway. I'm not sure if she knew if I was there, But I hid. As she went to her locker I sat there invisibly, and cried. I cried the entire way home. I love you, Gabby, I'm sorry.
I just told him I was going to stop hurting myself. That I was going to do it for him. And within the next five minutes, He gave me a great reason to start again. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can stick to my word. Nothing he says can even make me smile anymore, Because I feel like everything he says about me is just out of sympathy I messed everything up. I never should have told him in the first place. >.<
He just told me The reason why he loves me is because "You make me feel so incredibly useful, so needed. Like I finally know what I can do best, even if I could never get an occupation in 'making-people-feel-better'" So he only loves me because of my problems? I've never felt less-loved.. I'm never going to believe him when he calls me beautiful, or when he says I'm perfect. Now I know he only says those things to make me "feel better." I'm never telling him my issues again; See if he still "loves" me then.
Today, afterschool, me and him went to the park. We pushed each other on the swings, and played on the baby swings and laughed. We threw around wood chips. He'd hug me and then pretend to drop me so I'd hold on tighter, Then catch me and say "I'd never let you fall" And hug me so tight my feet would leave the ground. Before we left, he pulled nail clippers out of his pocket. He knew my nails were sharp and he knew I had scratched myself with them. I love him so much for caring. But I dread the day he realizes that I'm just an ugly failure.