I'm not fine. I'm not just tired. Everyone has a breaking point, and sometimes I think I have found mine. Somedays I get so frustrated, I just want to break down. Cry. Scream. Punch. Kick. But I know that I can't do any of that. It would be damaging. I hate confrontation. I hate when people feel sorry for me, but somtimes I crave it. I know that's messed up, but it is how it is. People see me at school, usually laughing and smiling. That's because at school I'm happy being surrounded by my friends. Yeah, I'm happy at home and everything. I love my family more than anything. But it's just when I'm at home, I want to be alone. Because when I'm alone, I know there won't be fighting. I know there won't be yelling. I know there won't be crying. Usually. It keeps me at peace. So I board up in my room, blast music, and read. At that time, I know I will be alone and not bothered. I tell you I'm fine when I'm not because I don't want to bother you. Or I'm just not that close to you. Or, sometimes, i just don't want to let you in. I don't let a lot of people in, so don't get offended if you hear that. It's how I am. In all honesty, I'm closer to people at school than i am to my own family. I get closer to some new people than those that have known me since the day I was born. Ever since Mama's death, I have become distant to my family, except Daddy and sometimes Ms. D. But even they don't know a lot of it. I don't tell anyone when I cry myself to sleep because I think about Mama too much or how messed up my life is sometimes or the fact that my uncle sort of screwed me over. That is a story most don't know about. Those people I've gone to school with know Mama died but that's it. They don't know that my uncle was the one who sold my house, that me and Daddy had to move in with Granddaddy because we didn't have a house, that my uncle either sold all Mama and my belongings or took them from me, that Daddy and my uncle went into a custody battle over me because my uncle wanted to take me away. They don't know that that senior at another school that died in May was the sister of a girl who is practically my sister, that I have seen so much death it's surprising I'm so happy, that I know what it means to completely have your life transformed in the blink of an eye. But I live day to day, trying not to worry about the future. I try to be kind to people. It keeps me with no enemies. I'm that strong, confident, Christian, smart girl. I know suffering, but I also know true Joy and Peace. I know it's from God. That is how I survive each and everyday with a smile on my face. I love that, and I love Him. He helps me deal with everything overwhelming in life. I might fight back, but just so you know, don't fully believe me when I say...
I ' m F i n e.♥
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