all i can think about is what i have become. I have somehow become one of the girls i have always rolled my eyes at and would deem stupid. I have become that girl who misses him so much that no matter what he had done or continioues to do to hurt me, i wil always accept him into my opening arms with a genuine smile. I am the girl who believes him when he tells me he wants me and still loves me and takes his klndness as hope that we can one day be as we once were. I am the girl who cries when he hurts me again and am surprised that he would do so. I am the girl who is so in love and afraid to let go that i take the pain he inflicts on me over and over again because nothings more painful than not having him in my life at all. It has taken months to realize what i deserve, what i should tolerate and what is pointless. I was that girl, she's dead now
And everytime the old you starts to come back i fool myself into thinking that you will never hurt me again, that you really want to be with me. and each time I am proved wrong,the wound in my chest pried opened
He is Forbidden in the most tempting way. Eyes that ignite my body into ravishing flames,begging to be put out with his lips. Lips that speak words like silk sheets, I want to hear over and over again. I do not know him, have only met him merely a handful of times but I feel sizzizling electricity in between us ,every encounter He is forbidden in the way his whole demeanor says warning; danger ahead. I can't help but want to move forward , can't help but want to meet the demons dancing behind his predator like eyes. Eyes that devour me whole. He does not see me in the same way however , as far as I'm aware. And if he did, god, fear and thrill would twine into one and course through my veins viciously. But he is older,experienced, dangerous and your friend. Forbidden
Shapeshifters are supposed to be supernatural charachters, a made up piece of fiction extracted from a persons imagination. But god, the way you changed so fast, I was almost convinced that they were real. It was quick, like the New Englad weather. Blazing hot to icy cold in the blink of an eye, completley unpredictable. I never saw it coming. You loved me with everything you had and one day i guess you ran out of love for me and and everything that ever mattered to you. I just hope you shift back into the person you used to be,the real you. -m.b
I am trapped inside my head,a prisoner of my mind. Swimming in a pool of darkness, searching for the smallest glimmar of light, of hope.. But it never seems to appear. I am fighting a battle inside of myself i have fought once before, unsure if i have the strength tow in this time. Negative thoughts wrap themselves around my neck, blocking the air to my lungs. Anxiety flows through my veins ,shaking me to the core.
those eyes , i never could escape them. i remember looking into them for no more than a second before turning my gaze downward. you would never have that though, grabbing my chin with just enough force "look into my eyes when we are talking" you would say with an intensity that sent shivers to the nape of my neck that would travel down the length of my spine. making eye contact was you stepping inside my body reading me inside out tattooing yourself onto my inside to remind me i was yours. (gonna finish later posting to save)
sometimesi wish i could kiss your broken heart and make the ache go away but that's not my place. You have a soul made of silk soft and beautiful, something no one would ever guess. kindness like rain after a heatwave that refreshes you ,puts a smile on your face. A heart so big hidding behing a hard exterior that only i can see through. always underestimating yourself , not believing what your worth,is the only flaw i can seem to find covered in all that perfection thats only perfect to me. i know there was a time when you were whole and didn't question why you were alive. she took that from you. Brought out all your insecurties, striped you of all your confidence, hit you while you were most vulnarable.The pain you've endured because of her over the years i can only imagine but choose not too because in a way it would hurt me,althouugh i couldn't tell you why. You deserve someone who will fill you with so much love that sometimes you think you're going to explode, a person who will accept you and everything you've been through, someone who would rather die than hurt you, the opposite of her. In another life maybe i would be that person but in this one i am not. All i am able to do now is pick you up everytime she throws you down, bored of you again; sweep up the pieces of your heart scattered along the floor and put them back together again. Your love for her is a drug that will kill you, all i can do is pray that you break the habbit.
whisper in my ear and tell me again how much you love me, it's my favorite lie. stroke my cheeck with your rose petal fingers and look me in the eyes like i'm something special. you should be an actor because sometimes you make me believe that i'm rose and your jack, here to save me from jumping ship.you don't care that much though or care at all for that matter about what happens to me, but for the sake of my sanity i will continue to pretend that you do. i like to believe i understand you, that i'll be that girl to chase away all those demons stuck inside your head. this is the sole reason i stick around ,despite the bruises you leave colored on my body or the words that you've branded on my self esteem , i know you need me. The days when you pull me into your chest and stroke my hair like i'm the most precious thing you've ever had in your arms, gives me hope that one day you'll be different. So, i'll allow you to kiss away all the pain you caused with those lips that told me they would never hurt me because i can't help being in love with your dangerous inperfections.
I was nothing but a mere penicl park on your brain that you could just erase again, never to be thought of again. i tell everyone i do not care that we are no longr friends but the wound cuts so deep i have to stop it from bleeding everyday. I speak your name in anger and mock disquist because no one would understand the heart ache i have for loosing someone i used to call my bestfriend, someone who's house was mine every weekend. i know it sounds silly that a friendship could break my heart but i asure you i felt it crack in all the right places. making friends is a chore, something i struggle to do because anxiety suffocates me each time i make an attempt. Attatching myself to the friends i do have, valuing friendships more than most people will ever know. Our friendship was something i believed would last beyond our high schoold days but it ended at the second year.anyone will tell you that i hate you with all of my being but saying i hate you is so much easier than saying i miss you. we could be put back together again with some needle and a thread but i refuse to allow myself to forgive and god forbid forget the reasons why we came apart in the first place.and everytime i go to write something amaizing, i look for inspiration and the only thing i seem to come up with is you. of course i'm not perfect nor am i a good friend to everyone but i was a great friend to you,too bad the favor wasn't always returned.The friendship we had was a special kind that can't quite be understood, not even by me. As i continue to write this i can picture your reaction if you were to ever lay your eyes on it. you would either laugh and say "what a stupid b**ch" or maybe just maybe tears would fill your eyes , your heart will ache for a second and you'll miss me too..
Today i allowed myself to venture off into the depths of all my memories and think about us.wild nights we spent running around the streets trying to get a taste of life and loving every moment of it. escaping out of your house like trapped animals locked away in cages craving to be set free, getting so high we swore we could've touched the stars. our lips were fountains spilling secrets, dreams, hopes and fears into eachothers ears because we knew that this type of friendship isn't one that can be broken;but we were young then, naive. Drinking until everything was funny, smoking until our eyes were apple red and sucking on ciggeretttes because it calmed us down. These memories are the things i will remember when my skin is that of a prun and looking back on my young self is the only thing i can do to keep me alive. Today though i will only think about us for a moment so i don't end up holding onto false hope that we could ever go back to the way things we used to be. Now i escape into the night with someone else, i reach the moon with other people, i drink myself silly wtihout you and i stopped sucking on cigerettes. you changed as quick as the leaves do in the depths of autumn and i tried to be the tree, keep you hanging on ,but life doesn't work that way. Now you get high with someone else, sneak out with a new bestfriend, drink until you can't stand without me and suck down cigerettes and spilling your secrets with them, not me. The impossieble happened, we're no longer friends something no one could have predicted. I miss you terribly although i will never tell you that because you don't deserve the satisfaction, to you i was replacable, un important and not the type of friend you'd let go of your pride to save. So before the sadness engulfs me i'll stop the flow of memories that are my ex-bestfriend and pretend i'm fine .