If one person reads this, all of it... I will be the happiest person.
A game with no rules.
I am in a long maze with no exit’s except for that one at the very end. It seems like whenever I think I always find the way out, I am wrong.. I have those days where I think I am starting to finally get my life to head in the right direction, that I almost there, so close to that open door, I can smell the flowers, hear the birds chirping, and see the sun shinning, but wait, I blink, only for a second, and everything I have felt in the past few minutes, hours, days, weeks, whatever it might be, was just a dream giving me false hope. My heart starts to ache, and my head starts spinning…
I start to go backwards. My head is telling me that I can’t do it… but my heart knows I can. Somewhere in this mess, I need to find strength, but how? How do I open up and finally become the woman that I want to be. How do I motivate myself to make changes that will make me happy. I search and search for the answers, which are no where to be found. One minute I think I got it, then next I realize I don’t. It’s a dirty game, that I am so tired of playing. I hate fighting in a game I just can’t win. Here I am trying to convince myself that I can do this, I am not alone… just push yourself and you can achieve whatever you put your mind too. Then I think of how someone once told me, never give up, look inside of yourself, you will find the answer, but what if there is no answer, what if it was common sense, something that I seemed to be lacking. Maybe the only way to get out is to think outside of the box, to look beyond the horizon… maybe just maybe the only way to get out of this alive is to be one step ahead the whole entire way… Nothing made sense to me though. Every time I thought I figured it out, I was wrong. I wonder sometimes, just because people say this will all be over soon, is that really true? What if this is something I am going to be stuck in forever. Do I give up, or keep on trying.
No one said this was going to be easy, it sure as hell didn’t come with a rule book. It’s all up to you… You make the rules,and you have the ability to make it through. No one can make you do anything that you don’t want to, they can only help you along the way. If I have learned anything along the way, it’s that not only does your heart have to be in it, YOU do… So I will keep on fighting, and I will keep on trying. I know one day I will get where I want to be, right there at the very end saying “I DID IT” but for now, I will just put all of the pieces together, and figure this thing out.
mandababy